Saturday, November 22, 2008

Observations on bars and parties

I've been to several types of parties and bars with varying levels of boredom and insanity. Too date, I don't think I've hit the "rock band" level of insanity, but I've been at a few where I feared... After a few though, I've realized that the vast majority of party goers and drunks can be grouped rather well:

1. Baby Jesus Girl/Guy - One does not often find this type at a real party. In general, they are too busy criticising gays or reading and feeling smug about themselves to join up. When they do, you can expect them to attempt to be the 'reasonable' person, and give evil glances to anyone currently holding a drink. If one is lucky enough to pull them out of their natural habitat though and even luckier in seeing them try "just one drink", they can immediately turn into the most perverted and funny drunks on the planet. Sadly, the Baby Jesus person is often averse to any alcohol or drugs.

2. "My friends are coming" guy - This is the guy that boasts to other guys that "friends are coming". Generally seen making multiple conversations on the phone, that will NOT result in new party goers. "Friends are coming" guy will repeatedly inform fellow party guests of attractive female future party goers. In reality, the best case scenario is his sister showing up with a couple of friends to ask him for cash and then leave for a better party.

3. Horny Slut and Three Beer Queer - Both will offer you sex, but you don't likely want either. The Horny Slut is seen more often in movies than real life (see 40 year old virgin). Be warned: the horny slut may seem like a hookup, but will likely pass out before 2nd base from the consumption levels of alcohol which created her. The close relative of horny slut, is the three beer queer. Note: three beer queer is often a transformed Baby Jesus Guy, who will return to his former self after the beer is gone. A real hookup opportunity, if you don't mind the whole "queer" aspect.

4. Zombie Drunk - zombie drunk appears most often in bars and parties lasting into early morning. Zombie drunk is easily recognized by the vacant stare into space and limited ability to stand and walk. The Zombie drunk will not talk much, except to say to an occasionally passerby "Buddddd", which in his own limited vocabulary means any beer type drink. (Understand, beer is too difficult a word for zombie drunk.)

5. Mad Douchebag - The result of adding alcohol to a douchebag. The mad douchebag has 2 major characteristics - 1. he is a douchebag. 2. he wants to fight you. Like dogs, mad douchebags come in several breeds. Two of the most popular are the Frat Boy - far too worried about his face and hair to fight sober, the frat boy is mostly harmless, and The Wannabe Player - generally a self-branded pickup-up-artist who's efforts result in rather humurous epic fails.

Of course, there are multiple other groups to categorize and study. The field remains open for more research, provided the right funding and environment. Of particular interest to me now are "people watcher" and "annoyed bartender".

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