Fed Up....

I'm venting here, so if you have a problem with that, go somewhere else. I'll probably realize this post is a drunken mistake tomorrow and pull it, so read it while you can.

For whatever reason, I had the piss poor fortune of being born a social person in an oppressive religious cult. I had the even further piss poor fortune of having core ideals directly opposed to that same religious cult. I was the kid always in trouble for 'being too friendly' and 'associating with non-believers'.

I am faced daily with the reality that I gave up friends and family so that I could be my own person. I don't talk about it much, but I also gave up a stable sex life as a married man. Yes, that's right, yours truly had romantic interests and waiting pussy. And I threw said waiting pussy away because I had these crazy ideas in my head that women shouldn't be treated like subservient pets, and I had no interest in dealing with the cult bullshit with who I slept with.

I've been told by many people that I shouldn't rush things. That I need to take time to work the cult out of my system. That building a life takes time. That I need to develop "interests". But, today, I would like to take this moment to say, as I sit up not able to sleep -

FUCK YOU ALL.

Yes, you read that right. I'm so god damn sick of living with the reality that I went from having people calling me daily to do stuff, from going out to movies every weekend, having to figure out what event to go to or not - to watching late night porn and browsing the internet.

Today, I got called to work for the weekend. I still kept my plan to go out late night Saturday. Why do I bother going out? Simply, I want to be the social person I used to be. To have a mile long contact list of people. To head out to house parties. I want to be ME. Somehow, my natural talents and day job have lead me to an environment with a bunch of introverts that have 0 interest in going out or socializing. I wish I was back in college and could do things over again. Actually, I wish I could start over in highschool and actually pay attention to the development of the bullshit games people "in the real world" play on each other.

Yes, I do regret my 'sheltered' life. I use sheltered there in quotes because I wasn't really sheltered. No, I lost my rose colored glasses early and have faced some of the most fucked up shit people in this country will have to deal with. Mine is not a problem of innocence, it's a problem of culture. So, measuring my progress - family (check), friends (nope), romantic interests (nope). I've managed, in a year's time, adopted family and some fucked up acquaintances.

The development of friends has seen slow but steady progress. Romantic partners? Well, fuck that. Frankly, I don't know what I want anymore. I'm just sick of women in general. Period.

My brother is currently in a relationship with a girl that won't admit to realizing how pussy whipped he is. It's disgusting. She controls every last thing about him. Might as well cut off his balls and put them on the mantel. She's become something of his fucking mom, and she, funny little bitch, tries to do the same thing to me.

Then, it's always nice when women I know go after other women I know. It doesn't matter about women, if you know 2 women, and they know each other, they WILL be catty bitches when discussing the other when they aren't present.

Then there's the "you can never win an argument with a woman" women. These are the type that I give a frustrated "yes MOM" to when they open their mouths. Because that's what they think they are. Or the 'princess' type who have had everything handed to them. They want a man with a paycheck so they can bankrupt him and move on.

I joke about 'going out for tail/etc...', but, I'm so fed up with things, that it's more of a self-forced "night out to stay social so I don't end up the creepy old dude". So, I go out, and have lovely experiences -

The "here's my non-number" - or the girl that doesn't have guts enough to tell you she isn't interested. Also known, as a game playing bitch.

The insecure chic that goes out, picks a guy, and spends the night "claiming" him from other girls just to make herself be the alpha female. She has no real interest in doing anything, and if she does, you probably don't want to touch her anyway.

The bachelorette party. Because EVERY bride wears the same 'suck a candy for $1' shirt, complete with dildo necklaces, and bitchy friends. "We don't want boys around because this is a girl's night thing," said by one of the bitch friends when not dancing with her, just nearby... First off, if she saw my cock, she'd know I'm not a fucking boy. No way the sub 5 foot whore could take the whole thing. Second, I'm asking for a god damn dance, not sex and a wedding ring. Girl, you ain't that hot, go fuck yourself with that dildo you're wearing around your neck. I'm glad you're friend's getting married, cause that's one less bitch to deal with.

The game sucks. It turns otherwise normal people into desperate losers, while the people that made it through give out the "don't worry be happy" fortune cookie bullshit. I'm sick of it all, I used to be able to fake a good time, but I can't even do that anymore. I've been to places that I "knew" where fun, but the fun is gone. And this is AFTER I decide that the purpose of going out is not for pickup...

So yea, fuck romance, 'cause there ain't anyone sane left on the market.

I just want to have fun and be around people while I start my new life, is that so much to ask?

I know that I've made a lot of progress over the past year, but I look at where I was before I left the cult, where I am now, and where I want to be - and feel like a god damn failure.