Sunday, June 10, 2007


I can recount the vast majority of events that led to my leaving my home city and coming to KC. I can vividly remember a great many things about the past year, small details, life events, things I did... I can picture events, tell what was happening - even stuff I did while drinking and intoxicated.

But, the first 22 years of my life, I don't remember. I know various facts, but this is a recent realization that is disturbing me.

I can't visualize my own mother, but I can recognize her. I can relate facts and life experiences, but only in so much as a history book could supply a summary - and the ones that I can relate, feel disjointed.

I looked through a photo album, saw pictures of my past. I couldn't tell you one name in all the pictures I saw. I couldn't tell you what was going on in the picture. I'm not talking about one or two isolated events - I'm talking about my entire life before leaving.

I can't remember the names of my favorite teachers from Kindergarten until Highschool. I know 2 highschool teacher names - because I went back there in the time where my memories start. I can't remember the house I grew up in for the first half of my life, how it was decorated, or who my friends were. I can't remember the religious congregation i went to or the people there.

I can relate facts about the major portions of my life, but I can't relive or replay any of it. The only things I remember are extremely traumatic experiences or very important ones, and those are limited to a strict handful.

If you asked me to come up with a list of 20 important memories before college or before I started leaving the JWs - I flat out couldn't do it. I really don't know if that's normal or not. I don't know what record of events I should have... All I know is that with the exception of a couple days, I'm missing the first 22 years of my life... From that point on though, I can replay it all in my head, and I guess the important thing is I keep making new memories, instead of focusing on those lost.

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