Monday, December 31, 2007

New Year's Resolutions

Seems to be a good time to post these, here (in no specific order) -

10. Wake up at a consistent time every morning, instead of kicking the alarm 35 times and having to rush to work.

9. Care about my appearance a little more and spend at least a little every now and then on new clothes.

8. Continue progress on the whole Martial Arts thing.

7. Meet some new people that like / can go out.

6. Finish at least 1 of my writing projects.

5. Finish at least 1 of my composition projects.

4. Reach a level on piano where I can play a venue professionally.

3. Donate more time to charitable projects.

2. Better make time for updating the blog, writing projects, and hobbies.

1. See what I am not doing well in my current relationships and improve on them.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Fate's year of posts...

From Spyder from Average Jane.

Rules: Paste the first line of your first post for each month, starting with January 2007.

January - So, I'm joining the great and evil empire of google by using them for my blog.

February - A deathly silence stood between the Nazi officer and Wladyslaw Szpilman broken only by the sounds of the Third Reich's war machine.

March - NONE

April - 4/17/06 - the day I left home for the first time. I would return for a few days to gather my things, but this is the day I count from.

May - I went to a Missouri martial arts competition last weekend.

June - I can recount the vast majority of events that led to my leaving my home city and coming to KC.

July - I'll save the photos for when they are "preapproved", but I thought I'd take a few seconds to mention the wedding I went to yesterday.

August - So, this little gem has recently surfaced regarding the current policies in regards to the Jehovah's Witnesses.

October - If you've followed the trend in education, we spend a lot of money on anti-drug programs.

November - Back in yonder days of lore, my father purchased for me, a chemistry set.

December - Well, after a fairly cool day, I get home with a fecking headache.

... Hmmm.... Me thinks I post a lot of drama. Might make that my new year's resolution - less drama in life. But then, that'd make for a less entertaining blog...

Fed Up....

I'm venting here, so if you have a problem with that, go somewhere else. I'll probably realize this post is a drunken mistake tomorrow and pull it, so read it while you can.

For whatever reason, I had the piss poor fortune of being born a social person in an oppressive religious cult. I had the even further piss poor fortune of having core ideals directly opposed to that same religious cult. I was the kid always in trouble for 'being too friendly' and 'associating with non-believers'.

I am faced daily with the reality that I gave up friends and family so that I could be my own person. I don't talk about it much, but I also gave up a stable sex life as a married man. Yes, that's right, yours truly had romantic interests and waiting pussy. And I threw said waiting pussy away because I had these crazy ideas in my head that women shouldn't be treated like subservient pets, and I had no interest in dealing with the cult bullshit with who I slept with.

I've been told by many people that I shouldn't rush things. That I need to take time to work the cult out of my system. That building a life takes time. That I need to develop "interests". But, today, I would like to take this moment to say, as I sit up not able to sleep -


Yes, you read that right. I'm so god damn sick of living with the reality that I went from having people calling me daily to do stuff, from going out to movies every weekend, having to figure out what event to go to or not - to watching late night porn and browsing the internet.

Today, I got called to work for the weekend. I still kept my plan to go out late night Saturday. Why do I bother going out? Simply, I want to be the social person I used to be. To have a mile long contact list of people. To head out to house parties. I want to be ME. Somehow, my natural talents and day job have lead me to an environment with a bunch of introverts that have 0 interest in going out or socializing. I wish I was back in college and could do things over again. Actually, I wish I could start over in highschool and actually pay attention to the development of the bullshit games people "in the real world" play on each other.

Yes, I do regret my 'sheltered' life. I use sheltered there in quotes because I wasn't really sheltered. No, I lost my rose colored glasses early and have faced some of the most fucked up shit people in this country will have to deal with. Mine is not a problem of innocence, it's a problem of culture. So, measuring my progress - family (check), friends (nope), romantic interests (nope). I've managed, in a year's time, adopted family and some fucked up acquaintances.

The development of friends has seen slow but steady progress. Romantic partners? Well, fuck that. Frankly, I don't know what I want anymore. I'm just sick of women in general. Period.

My brother is currently in a relationship with a girl that won't admit to realizing how pussy whipped he is. It's disgusting. She controls every last thing about him. Might as well cut off his balls and put them on the mantel. She's become something of his fucking mom, and she, funny little bitch, tries to do the same thing to me.

Then, it's always nice when women I know go after other women I know. It doesn't matter about women, if you know 2 women, and they know each other, they WILL be catty bitches when discussing the other when they aren't present.

Then there's the "you can never win an argument with a woman" women. These are the type that I give a frustrated "yes MOM" to when they open their mouths. Because that's what they think they are. Or the 'princess' type who have had everything handed to them. They want a man with a paycheck so they can bankrupt him and move on.

I joke about 'going out for tail/etc...', but, I'm so fed up with things, that it's more of a self-forced "night out to stay social so I don't end up the creepy old dude". So, I go out, and have lovely experiences -

The "here's my non-number" - or the girl that doesn't have guts enough to tell you she isn't interested. Also known, as a game playing bitch.

The insecure chic that goes out, picks a guy, and spends the night "claiming" him from other girls just to make herself be the alpha female. She has no real interest in doing anything, and if she does, you probably don't want to touch her anyway.

The bachelorette party. Because EVERY bride wears the same 'suck a candy for $1' shirt, complete with dildo necklaces, and bitchy friends. "We don't want boys around because this is a girl's night thing," said by one of the bitch friends when not dancing with her, just nearby... First off, if she saw my cock, she'd know I'm not a fucking boy. No way the sub 5 foot whore could take the whole thing. Second, I'm asking for a god damn dance, not sex and a wedding ring. Girl, you ain't that hot, go fuck yourself with that dildo you're wearing around your neck. I'm glad you're friend's getting married, cause that's one less bitch to deal with.

The game sucks. It turns otherwise normal people into desperate losers, while the people that made it through give out the "don't worry be happy" fortune cookie bullshit. I'm sick of it all, I used to be able to fake a good time, but I can't even do that anymore. I've been to places that I "knew" where fun, but the fun is gone. And this is AFTER I decide that the purpose of going out is not for pickup...

So yea, fuck romance, 'cause there ain't anyone sane left on the market.

I just want to have fun and be around people while I start my new life, is that so much to ask?

I know that I've made a lot of progress over the past year, but I look at where I was before I left the cult, where I am now, and where I want to be - and feel like a god damn failure.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Say it ain't so....

The Chiefs....

I picked the wrong year to start following Football again.

Yes, we suck.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Deeply Disturbed...

Today I just finished a long conversation about the problems of a young woman. Normally, the heartaches of a late teen wouldn't bother me, but this was different. It was different because it wasn't just her story I was hearing, it was mine. And unlike mine, her story is nowhere near a happy ending. Indeed, hearing it has brought me to the stark and difficult realization that my story is by no means unique. And the even more sobering thought, it is that this is a story that often doesn't end well.

To hear that someone is being medicated for psychiatric issues is difficult. To know that those issues are being exacerbated by circumstance? To know that Doctors need to be made aware of these issues? South Park used dark comedy to show a facility meant to cure gays resulting in suicide. But this dark comedy is REAL. Today, I heard the cry for help of a young girl, on medication, viewed as mentally unstable. Leaving the Church nearly killed me. Literally. If it wasn't for an online community, that would listen to me yell, and shout, and cry, .... I know beyond any shadow of doubt I would be dead today. But through whatever providence, luck, or chance, or fate - I fell into the hands of good and caring people that lifted me up. Today, I am a respected engineer at one of the leading technology companies in the world. I like to think, that as I work at my job, I make people's lives better. That I contribute to society.

But, what about the people that didn't have that hand? What if I hadn't have had the blind luck to fall upon people that would open their homes?

I shudder with the sad knowledge that my life would be relegated to a statistic. One more young college student, socially maladjusted, a loner, problems with parents, good, conservative parents. Life was too much for him, so he killed himself. The obituary would call the death a tragedy - so much potential cut short. The parents would cry. The media might make a mention on one of their "stress of youth in today's world" pieces. All because there wasn't someone there. I don't have to imagine much here, because such obituaries have already been written.

This news today has awakened me once again. I can not sit by and watch while lives are destroyed and lost. If you have followed this blog, you'd know that leaving the Church for me has been an emotional roller coaster. Recently, the questions keep popping up in my head - who am I? What is my moral code? Where do I claim that this code comes from? How do I want to live? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? In working to leave the Church, I became something of a blank slate. No answers, but lots of questions.

I do not know the answers to any of those yet, but I do know, that under whatever moral code I have, it is my obligation to use my knowledge and experience to help those in my situation before. Someone needs to fight for people just starting out in life, the young adults out there.

We have a President that has selected a Surgeon General that has described being gay as a disease. And then we wonder why gay teens kill themselves? Even the most conservative of churches teach love thy neighbor. Don't they?

Here's what Jehovah's Witnesses have to say in an article dealing with Suicide, in the subheading, "No More Youthful Deaths":

Many youths who were once at risk have come to understand that drug abuse and immoral life-styles are nothing but a long and winding road to death, to which suicide is but a shortcut. They have come to realize that this world, with its wars, hatred, abusive behavior, and loveless ways, will soon pass away. They have learned that this world system is beyond redemption. They have taken to heart that God's Kingdom is the only real hope, for it will usher in a new world where not only youths but all obedient mankind will never have to die—no, nor even want to die anymore.
Is it any wonder that these sentiments lead to mass murder? Imagine what a young 21 year old has to think reading that, with their faith in doubt already. That particular Church would argue that suicide doesn't happen there. But they'd be lying.

So now, I face the very real question yet again - what can I do? It is time to draw a line in the sand, to lend a hand, and to speak out and make the medical community, political leaders, and public aware of the issues. For now, I write, but I think more can be done.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Really pissed off....

I'd say it was my own stupidity, but on some level, we shouldn't HAVE to be "smart". I left a piece of equipment in my car and this was the result:

I sometimes got lazy and placed the thing in my glove box instead of taking it in - but there are two parts - the mount, and the actual GPS unit. I never bothered messing with the mount. On the bright side, I think this qualifies as a 'first scratch'. I can rest easy now! The suck thing is that this is throwing my plans for the "adopt a child" Christmas gift program.

So, if the asshat that cracked my window is reading (and you probably aren't): I hope you're happy nuking the christmas hopes of a little kid. Fuck you, and I hope you get capped for selling a non-working GPS system to someone (cause that's exactly what you stole).

I will probably do the angle tree anyway, but just one kid instead of two - it really depends on how well the whole repair process goes with the insurance company. The (REAL) bright side of this all, is that I've gotten to see how cool my coworkers and friend's are by their response and readiness to help.

Joyful Solstice, Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays!

Monday, December 3, 2007

Beware the pointer! Arrays vs. Pointers

It's been a long time since one of those 'fundamental' programming ideas bit me. Thankfully, it happened on one of my personal projects, so I didn't reveal to anyone my stupidity.

Errrr... Damn.

Anyway, here was my header file:
extern unsigned int *vectors;

And, here was my (equivalent) .C file:
unsigned int vectors[512];

I was actually mixing languages here. In writing the header, I fell into the trap of thinking pointers are equivalent to arrays. They aren't. The C language creates confusion here because it let's us use array syntax with pointers, and arrays can turn into pointers. We can illustrate this very clearly -

Example 1 .....
char array[15] = { 0 };
printf("%x\n", (unsigned long) array);
printf("%x\n", (unsigned long) &array);


Example 2 .....
char *array = 0;
printf("%x\n", (unsigned int) array );
printf("%x\n", (unsigned int) &array );

Take a look at the output of both programs, and you'll see the exact difference between arrays and pointers. An array without an index is nothing more than a constant pointing to the memory address the array starts at. In a very real way, it doesn't 'exist' as an array, just as a convenience for a block of memory. Here's the breakdown, with this declaration:

char array[15] -

array - is defined as a constant with a value of the address of the start of the array
&array - is the address of the first element

Using an array is a lot like using a statically defined memory address -
char* my_ptr = (char*) 0xB8000;

Saturday, December 1, 2007


Well, after a fairly cool day, I get home with a fecking headache. I've been having headaches for a couple weeks now. I thought it was just the crud I had, but the cough/congestion has been going away and the headache hasn't. Today, I get home, and have the thought - "errr, glasses?"

I used to wear glasses until I passed the eye test for my license. My vision uncorrected is actually very good (20/20 to 20/40 depending on the day), but I have a astigmatism.

Well, I put on the glasses that I haven't worn for damn near a year, and IMMEDIATELY my headache starts going away.


I think the problem is that I do a lot of driving at night, when my eyes are tired after the day. So, looks like I'm going to have to start wearing the frames again, at least for night driving.

I never made peace with wearing glasses, and so, putting them back on kindof sucks. But on the bright side, the migraine like headache will go away....

Maybe I can buy some cool frames to make me even more sexy.. :D