Fate's thoughts

Greetings

2009-07-08T21:39:00.002-05:00

So, I've been rather busy lately. It's amazing what suddenly developing a personal life will do for free time. That said, I'm going to try to start blogging here occasionally about my life / hobbies / personal projects. And now, I have a new blog that I'll be updating on a regular basis:

"Experiments in Anachronism"

http://suburbanreject.blogspot.com

See you there (or here).

Fate

What's the Matter with Kansas?

2009-01-11T10:33:00.002-06:00

This looks like it might be a good movie, and how can you not like a film that features country liberals?

Looking forward to seeing it:
http://www.whatsthematterwithkansas.com/

New Year's Resolutions for 2009

2009-01-01T14:39:00.002-06:00

In following one of the oldest memes, my goals for 2009:

1. Personal Fitness: Run a 7 minute mile, continue advancement in martial arts.
I think a 7 minute mile should be doable, I'd really like to push that lower, but if I aim too high, it might knock the goal altogether. For martial arts, I'd like to start doing Yoga and hit at least the rank preceding black belt.

2. Bucket List: Create new bucket list and accomplish at least 2 entries this year
I've pretty much finished my 'things I couldn't do as a JW' list, and so I'm starting now on a new bucket list. Some current entries: horseback riding, driving a race car, playing a venue, sky diving, bungee jumping, trip to Europe, skiing. Last year I managed (among other things): singing karaoke, bar/pub crawl, working at a haunted house.

3. Blog: Post more often
I think my goal will be to manage an average of 3 posts every 2 weeks.

4. Relationships: Do better than in '08
'nuff said.

5. Financial: Knock out one of my college debt accounts
'nuff said.

6. Personal Appearance: Move from "I buy clothes" to having a style
'nuff said.

7. General: Finish unpacking
I STILL have boxes I haven't unpacked from my original move to Dallas, from my move to South KC, and from my move to my new apartment. I really want to knock these out and make my current apartment feel less temporary.

8. Hobbies: Have Something to show for a writing project at the end of '09
This is straight forward. At the end of '09, I'd like to at least have something I can point to and say I'm working on for writing. I'm tired of scratching up some paper and having nothing to talk about. I should at least have the mythical "novel I'm writing" for the past year.

9. Hobbies: Release Self Hosting Microkernel
This is pure nerd that'll make most people's eyes glaze over. I'm about 25% of the way there to being self hosting, and I'd like to be able to show off this tech, especially as I've been hacking on it so long.

10. Life: Figure out what I really want to be doing in 10 years.
I'm very much burned out from doing software dev day to day. It's not the computer that bothers me, it's the general work environment that software devleopment happens in, the concerns associated with it, the egos, everything. At this point, I still have the opportunity to plan for and manage a change in my life, so need to figure out what I'd like to be. Continue in software? Make up for the day to day monotony in other ways? I don't expect to accomplish this one, but, we'll see....

2008 Resolutions Review

2009-01-01T14:29:00.003-06:00

The nice thing about writing down resolutions is the ability to look at them in a year and see what all has changed:

10. Wake up at a consistent time every morning, instead of kicking the alarm 35 times and having to rush to work.

Fail and Success. I've been waking up at a consistent time, but am still rushing to work and kicking the alarm. However, I'm also waking up a lot earlier.

9. Care about my appearance a little more and spend at least a little every now and then on new clothes.

Success. I've actually managed to get some decent threads. I've heard my current look says "I buy clothes", which is nice compared to "I cover my body".

8. Continue progress on the whole Martial Arts thing.

Success. Moved to be an advanced student, will get my black belt either this year or next depending on my time commitment.

7. Meet some new people that like / can go out.

Fail and Success. I've determined a couple people at work that like to go out, but aren't really into the same sort of things I am. I now have some beer buddies. That said, some people I know are now going out more.

6. Finish at least 1 of my writing projects.

EPIC FAIL.

5. Finish at least 1 of my composition projects.

FAIL.

4. Reach a level on piano where I can play a venue professionally.

After hearing a few venues, I might think success. After hearing myself, I think fail. I'm definitely better than a year ago, so progress continues.

3. Donate more time to charitable projects.

WIN. Between Habitat for Humanity, and Variety's Haunted House project, I think I've managed several hundred hours. At the very least, a lot more than I've done before.

2. Better make time for updating the blog, writing projects, and hobbies.

Success and Failure. I've been doing a lot more out recently. I've been managing keeping my work hours to 40 hours a lot better too.

1. See what I am not doing well in my current relationships and improve on them.

Success and Failure. This is one of those things that's a constant area that needs improved.

The Walking Dead (originally 2/12/2007)

2008-12-14T16:11:00.002-06:00

I'm moving some older posts on other blogs I've run before here. Mostly, because I want to keep this all archived in one place. This is a post from near a couple years back, a poem, called "the walking dead".

-------

K..... So, I've taken under advice that I should try to write some poetry... First try at writing something like this and actually sharing it..

The Walking Dead, by Fate

Through the upper window peering down
Across the cold glass and icy air
People I see walking lost

Slowly dying having never lived
Barren faces void of expression
So marches the walking dead

Without meaning or knowing purpose
Drinking poison of muted voices
Passionless hollow spirits

Fear binds their souls such they stagger still
Paralyzed by thoughts of suffering
Unable to raise a cry

Yet hope offers life to those who try
To feel the white flames across the heart
From the sun shining down rays

A fire that pierces through hard armor
Stirring spirit feeling life anew
The walking dead awaken

Transitory suffering passes
Leaving love, joy, peace, and happiness
Now walking in life's brightness

For a strong love may end in torment
Yet in that passion the spirit lived
And the memory endures

Without the silence there is no song
Pain fills the gaps to urge moving on
Remedy the poison now

Let loose the sorrowful cry of grief
And accept the compassion given
To live rather than to walk dead.

Another KC Shooting

2008-11-26T20:06:00.004-06:00

Channel 5 Coverage
I've followed the stories of Kansas City violence at a distance. This has been one of the violent, bloody years in the area. And last night, that violence struck again.

I wasn't a close friend of Mr. Fopeano's, but knew him enough to say hi if I saw him out in public. Peter was a genuinely nice-guy, pleasent to be around, and will be missed by those of us that knew him.

There's not really too much more I can say than that. Maybe now, the public will be more aware of the increased violence in this city and work to cut it back.

Sonnet to Science

2008-11-23T22:24:00.002-06:00

Reading the collected works of Edgar Allen Poe, I ran across this. I find it an interesting take given Poe's general relation to the occult and all:

Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise,
Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
To seek for treasure in the Jewelled skies,
Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
To seek a shelter in some happier star?
Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?

A footnote indicates that these were written by Poe much earlier in his life. I think Poe captured something here - we sometimes despise science for killing our dreams and legends. I think that misses the point though. Science allows us to create new dreams and legends, and shape those into reality.

Observations on bars and parties

2008-11-22T11:00:00.002-06:00

I've been to several types of parties and bars with varying levels of boredom and insanity. Too date, I don't think I've hit the "rock band" level of insanity, but I've been at a few where I feared... After a few though, I've realized that the vast majority of party goers and drunks can be grouped rather well:

1. Baby Jesus Girl/Guy - One does not often find this type at a real party. In general, they are too busy criticising gays or reading and feeling smug about themselves to join up. When they do, you can expect them to attempt to be the 'reasonable' person, and give evil glances to anyone currently holding a drink. If one is lucky enough to pull them out of their natural habitat though and even luckier in seeing them try "just one drink", they can immediately turn into the most perverted and funny drunks on the planet. Sadly, the Baby Jesus person is often averse to any alcohol or drugs.

2. "My friends are coming" guy - This is the guy that boasts to other guys that "friends are coming". Generally seen making multiple conversations on the phone, that will NOT result in new party goers. "Friends are coming" guy will repeatedly inform fellow party guests of attractive female future party goers. In reality, the best case scenario is his sister showing up with a couple of friends to ask him for cash and then leave for a better party.

3. Horny Slut and Three Beer Queer - Both will offer you sex, but you don't likely want either. The Horny Slut is seen more often in movies than real life (see 40 year old virgin). Be warned: the horny slut may seem like a hookup, but will likely pass out before 2nd base from the consumption levels of alcohol which created her. The close relative of horny slut, is the three beer queer. Note: three beer queer is often a transformed Baby Jesus Guy, who will return to his former self after the beer is gone. A real hookup opportunity, if you don't mind the whole "queer" aspect.

4. Zombie Drunk - zombie drunk appears most often in bars and parties lasting into early morning. Zombie drunk is easily recognized by the vacant stare into space and limited ability to stand and walk. The Zombie drunk will not talk much, except to say to an occasionally passerby "Buddddd", which in his own limited vocabulary means any beer type drink. (Understand, beer is too difficult a word for zombie drunk.)

5. Mad Douchebag - The result of adding alcohol to a douchebag. The mad douchebag has 2 major characteristics - 1. he is a douchebag. 2. he wants to fight you. Like dogs, mad douchebags come in several breeds. Two of the most popular are the Frat Boy - far too worried about his face and hair to fight sober, the frat boy is mostly harmless, and The Wannabe Player - generally a self-branded pickup-up-artist who's efforts result in rather humurous epic fails.

Of course, there are multiple other groups to categorize and study. The field remains open for more research, provided the right funding and environment. Of particular interest to me now are "people watcher" and "annoyed bartender".

Not Drinking the Kool-Aid

2008-11-21T21:13:00.015-06:00

Of all the things I am grateful for, free-will is often the thing easiest taken for granted. Sadly, a great many people allow their will to be removed under the guise of religious doctrines. 30 years ago this week, the events of Jonestown grotesquely illustrated the potential results of such misplaced trust.

People my age did not see Jonestown coverage. We haphazardly use the phrase "drinking the Kool-Aid" to refer to partisan thinking. Frankly, I don't think most people in my generation could tell you where the whole Kool-Aid reference originated. Which, when you think about it, is fairly amazing considering:

In the United States, Jonestown resulted in the largest death-toll of a non-natural disaster since the events of September 11. Over 900 people dead, near 300 of them children, and many held against their will.

The activities of religion are often glazed over from criticism under the moniker of "religious freedom". The faithful are given a pass from public ridicule because they have a right to their faith.

I'm not here to say that people don't have a right to their faith. To forbid someone their personal beliefs is removing one of the most basic human rights. The thing is, freedom of speech is another basic human right. And it doesn't violate your freedom of religion for me to point to the picture above, and state - the blood of those children lies on the hands of your religion.

As a society, we can not afford to give religion a pass from criticism. We can not afford to outlaw people standing and telling the truth about damage caused by the radical religious elements in our society. Lately, Christian conservatives as well as liberal 'tolerance preachers' seem to be missing the point.

If I go home, light candles, pray to Quetzalcoatl, cast spells, and then kiss a cross - well, that's my business. I have the freedom to believe whatever I want to believe. Further, I have every right to sit at a park bench, read my bible, head to a church and pray, and lead a group of friends in prayer. The serious atheist groups might call these things stupid, but you still have a right to do them. Your rights, however, end the second you start attempting to force people to live by the precepts of your religion. And further, your rights don't include some sort of "hurt feelings" clause that negates freedom of speech.

I find it amazing to hear criticism leveled at faith groups as "persecution". To be clear, this

is persecution. Engaging in rational debate is not persecution. Gays making out in public or getting married is not persecution. Wearing a pentacle is not persecution. Burning someone alive because they believe differently is. Forcing a person out of town because they practice witch-craft is.

Cult-like groups are not always far-off crazies that commit mass suicide. Many Jehovah's Witnesses have died by refusing blood transfusions. Young girls in areas of the south are being forced into sexual slavery in their preteen and early teenage years. Honor killings, apostasy trials, and witch lynchings still happen in multiple portions of the world.

To refuse to address and challenge those that would support such things in our daily life, to refuse to educate the public around you as to the dangers radical groups create, or to refuse victims the right to speak out is to tacitly aid these groups in their wrong-doing.

So, before drinking the Kool-Aid and mocking groups like Anonymous for picketing and marching, or refusing to voice your opinion on Evangelical Christian legislation, I urge you to remember Jonestown, and think about the power of ideas.

Disturbing Thought for the Week

2008-11-20T06:00:00.001-06:00

Ever notice that "Good News" usually means you're going to hell?

My Top 10 Villians

2008-11-17T18:01:00.001-06:00

So, I was thinking about it the other day, and decided to chronicle my favorite movie villains. Mostly because I'm curious right now what makes someone a good villain in a story. Here's the list I came up with:

Margaret Hamilton - The Wicked Witch (Wizard of Oz)
Arnold Schwarzenegger - The Terminator - The Terminator
Anthony Hopkins- Hannibal Lecter - Silence of the Lambs
David Prowse & James Earl Jones - Darth Vader - Star Wars
Jack Nicholson - Jack Torrance - The Shining
Javier Bardem - Anton - No Country For Old Men
(Multiple Individuals) - alien - The Alien
Heath Ledger - Joker - Batman
Keven Spacey - John Doe - Se7en
Antonio Salieri - Murray Abraham - Amadeus

Looking at the list, I'm still not entirely sure what makes a great villain. Each of these went to a different place for me. In general, the best villains seem to be almost a force of nature, but some of the masterful ones are simply people doing very inhuman things for human reasons.

Book Meme

2008-11-12T17:46:00.002-06:00

"Mr. Quincy P Morris found me alone" - Bram Stoker, Dracula

From planet gnome:

Grab the nearest book.
Open it to page 56.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
Don’t dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST

I tag anyone interested. :)

Disturbing Thought for the Week

2008-11-12T09:00:00.000-06:00

What exactly are you saying if you give a terminally ill patient a 'get well soon' card?

Disturbing Thought for the Week

2008-11-06T06:22:00.001-06:00

According to American Society of Microbiology studies on people using public bathrooms, while 97% of females and 92% of males say they wash their hands, only 75% females and 58% males actually do.

Planners and Doers

2008-11-01T13:00:00.002-05:00

I've noticed an interesting trend as of late in my life, directly related to my leaving the cult. While I don't think there exist true "categories" for people, I've recently found myself comparing the 'doer' to the 'planner'.

The planner might label themselves as a 'dreamer', but I find that description lacking. Generally, the planner will float along in life without much direction, going wherever the current takes him. While every detail of their life might be planned out, the plan constantly changes. The planner's life is a collection of "what ifs". Unfortunately, they never manage to live out these what ifs, because they are too busy changing their plans for the next change in situation. A planner is so stuck in the future, that they fail to realize opportunities in the present.

The doer, on the other hand, gets things done. The doer will often not know what direction a choice will take them, they just realize they need to make the choice. The doer will make opportunities and live in the moment. They live life in the present, are aware of the where the current is taking them, and can move with or against it as they desire. While the planner might chastise the doer as unimaginative, the doer has dreams as well. The difference is they are trying to live them out instead of planning every detail as needed.

It's very possible to be a planner or a doer with or without being a dreamer. Dreams do not make a person a planner or doer, they just change the actions or the plans.

As of late, I have started to notice when I run into planners and doers. Mostly because, I see myself moving from the planner to the doer. The planner will sit and talk about going to school, changing careers, living out a dream, but it will never actually happen for them.

For years, that was me. Constantly planning how to do things and what to accomplish. I never really went the extra mile or tried for anything. I just sat and watched where my life took me. That, I think, was one of most damaging things about the cult. If you don't believe this world is going to stay around for a while, why try for anything in it? All of your efforts are going to be wasted anyway. "Doing" for someone in that situation is nothing more than performing in the church. And, if you haven't really bought in to the church's idea of tomorrow, but have bought into their idea of today, the result is coasting through life.

If I had to point to my first action as a doer, it would be applying to college. I still remember talking about it with the family, my grandma in particular telling me that college was a waste of time and would destroy my mind. Still, I decided to apply because it was what I wanted. That application was my first action as a doer, but it'd be a long while before I started really moving.

To this day, it's something I work at. Over time, I've gotten better at pointing out things I'd like to do and moving directly toward them. And now, I've had the blessing of living some of those childhood dreams I've wanted, just because I made the decision to act instead of plan.

Disturbing Thought for the Week

2008-10-29T16:34:00.001-05:00

Have you ever stopped to wonder if your mom gave dad a blow job before she kissed you goodnight?

Disturbing Thought for the Week

2008-10-22T10:37:00.003-05:00

While completely safe, the average chocolate bar will contain significant trace amounts of insects due to the process of creating finished chocolate from cacao.

Disturbing Thought for the Week

2008-10-15T08:21:00.002-05:00

Ever stop to think where that $1 bill was last used when buying your lunch?

Or, another view on Russia?

2008-09-15T07:55:00.004-05:00

This is what someone without "Executive Experience" has to say.

Forget Iran, Let's Take Down Russia!

2008-09-15T07:45:00.003-05:00

It's good to know she has the experience to make tough executive decisions!

Taking Advice from XKCD, not always the best idea

2008-09-13T14:15:00.003-05:00

http://www.xkcd.com/149/

I'm still dealing with the fallout....

Dear EA,

2008-09-09T21:03:00.002-05:00

I waited for Spore since I saw the first demo.

I would have gladly forked over double what you are currently charging.

I saw it as the first unique game in a long time.

When I go to the store, and purchase a video game, I expect to be able to use the CD-ROM for as long as I can find a computer to run it. *NOT* until I hit a magic 3 install limit and have to call a customer support line that will (or maybe will not) provide me with another "activation".

Spore - defective by design and not on my Christmas list.

Fuck you EA - you ruined a great game.

Conservative Values

2008-09-07T14:49:00.005-05:00

I've heard a lot of talk about values from Republicans. Many love to speak of how America is a "Christian" nation, or that their values are "Bible based". I've spent a good deal of my life espousing "Bible" morality. We hear a lot about the "moral decline" of our country, the "decline of the family", the "culture war".

I have yet to see churches living to the "values" that they teach, or politicians that do anything more than pander to the established middle class. When someone says "Christian" values, this is what I hear:

I will not listen or consider the viewpoints of other Christians. They are "false" or mislead. My viewpoints on Christianity are the only ones that are "right".

I will not consider the plight of the poor. However, I will argue for the destruction of welfare programs, as welfare is so often "abused". Despite repeatedly saying that we Christians do so much, I won't donate time or money to any social cause

I will hold dogmatically to only the teachings on sexual morality in the Bible, and ignore those on greed, sloth, and gluttony.

I will argue from ignorance instead of learning about the larger world around me.

I will ignore reality for the sake of my own interpretation of a book. I will ignore fossil records, years of research, scientific advances, palaeontological and archaeological discoveries, and history books of other civilizations. I will actively deny these things exist. However, if my life is in danger or it's immediately useful to me, I'll help myself to the results.

I will ignore the harm I do to the environment, to animals, and to other people.

I will teach my children to love and respect others, but only provided that those others are in the same or a compatible branch of "Christianity"

I will state "love the sinner, hate the sin", yet demonstrate a hate the sinner mentality.

I will continue to espouse education techniques and views, despite demonstration after demonstration of failure. I will continue even if I see these same failures personally in my family.

I wil never accept my capacity to be wrong at any time. No matter how much evidence stacks against me, I will always consider my viewpoint to be the correct one.

I will do all of these things and know that I am better than other heathens who are not Christian. I will be thankful that my "God" has chosen me to be better than them.

Every religious act I do will demonstrate that I have stronger faith and am a better person than other Christians and especially the non-religious.

"Christian" values are a joke, no matter who is espousing them. Some groups like to claim that they are true Christians becausetheir "Christian values" have "better" results. You might here this claim from a Jehovah's Witness who's "Christian values" result in mistreatment of rape victims, sexual exploitation of children, thousands of deaths from refusal of medical treatment, and broken families.

As a group, Christians make me want to vomit. Repeaters of nothing more than "us versus them" mentality. A "me first neighbor second" attitude that stands directly in contrast with the "new commandment" Jesus gave.

Perhaps there are Christians out there that really do care about values, such basic things as caring for others. Still, the complete failure of any group to separate themselves from the hateful rhetoric of so many speaks volumes to me. It illustrates the moral bankrupcy that comes from gathering an entire ethical system from a single book instead of asking oneself tough questions.

And then, while espousing these moralities, "Christians" have no issue violating them in their private lives.

Things Fundi's Say - On the "M" word

2008-08-15T19:05:00.009-05:00

I found an old red book my parents gave to me a long time ago. It's a treasure trove of quotes on the insanity of religious fundamentalism. But the whole masturbation topic stuck out the most.

... at the same time, you may have a certain wonderment and curiosity about your own rapidly changing body.... Should you experiment with your sex organs? Is there anything wrong with rubbing them in some way until the excitement is climaxed?

So, at first sounding a little like your standard puberty talk. Except, ... wait, "sex organs", is it really so hard to say GENITALS? We can't use proper terms like penis and vagina, can we? That might help fight against sexual abuse or something.

...Do you agree that because in today's world masturbation is a very common thing, this makes it a natural, normal function of the body? Lying and stealing are also common today....

Poor Timmy, if only he hadn't have touched himself, he would never have stolen that TV and be in jail now.

... In this connection note that, when the apostle counselled persons who were 'inflamed with passion,' he did not tell them to seek relief through masturbation, but through God's provision of marriage...

Ahhhh, God's provision of marriage. So, we need to keep a teenage boy's hands of his thingy until he can't take it anymore and gets married. Good to know kids are getting married for the right reasons these days!

.... Masturbation weakens a healthy conscience and love for what is right, the very things that can protect one against such practices...

It's funny that this whole article, from a "Bible based" publication contains only a couple scriptures to support their point. It's almost as if the Bible doesn't really talk about masturbation or something....

Now for the fun part,

In fact, masturbation can lead into homosexuality. In such instances the person, not satisfied with his lonely sexual activity, seeks a partner for mutual sex play.

This happens more frequently than you may realize. Contrary to what many persons think, homosexuals are not born that way, but their homosexual behavior is learned. And often a person gets started when very young by playing with another's sexual parts, and then engaging in homosexual acts...

Hey, Greenlees, is that you? If only you hadn't touched yourself.... You know it IS true. Most people do look for another's "sexual parts" to have, uhhhh, sex. Funny thing though, a large majority of the population of guys look for .... WOMEN! Go figure, people look for what they fantasize about? Am I the only one slightly disturbed by some old man in a writing room fanta..... theorizing about how little boys get started being gay?

On how to stop,

Reading - even aloud - the Bible or publications explaining the Bible is one of the finest helps.

Maybe this is why so many people shout "Oh God" during sex? Masturbating to the Bible? Ewwwwww

But wait, there's more!

Proper hygiene calls for certain handling of the sex organs, and one might feel that this would be a temptation to misuse them. But because your motive is right - with the aim of avoiding sexual tension - you may well find that such care will instead help you to take a more healthful view toward these organs. You will appreciate that they were never meant to 'take you over' and rule your whole life.

So there you go, if you are the religious type, masturbate in the shower! Cause, "your motive is right", and all you're doing is cleaning yourself off, right?

Of the many insanities with the religious, this all out war against masturbation is something I just don't get. Generation after generation have all grown up with this stupid idea - that teenagers don't have hormones. And generation after generation they do. And then, religious "authorities" create a prohibition using convoluted logic from a book that never explicitly mentions it.

Things Fundi's Say - "Friendly" letters

2008-08-15T13:36:00.005-05:00

My Grandma took the time to write me again. I don't know if I'll write back. Last time, I just wrote a letter without any religious references. Never heard back, for a long while (several months, maybe over a year), then I got this today.

There is a tall, very handsome and extremely intelligent young man, who lingers in my memory.

[My Full Name Deleted]

I can still see those very talented hands on the piano keys, playing beautiful melodies. [Hymns] Where did he get this talent?

Psalm 139 - in a fear inspiring way you were wonderfully made.

verse 16 - your eyes (Jehovah's) saw your embryo and in His book - it's parts were down in writing.

Jehovah has a book - Malachi 3:16
a book of Remembrance

I know you are in it. You were so faithful - lovingly serving Him.

[Name deleted], your mom was just here for a visit and she is heart broken because she can't seem to get through this armor you have enclosed yourself with. Is this corrupt old world so important to you that you shut her out? She gave you life.

Your [Last name deleted] grandmother will be back in the resurrection John 5:28,29. The Kingdom has been established. Psalm 26 - Revelation 12:10

The new heavens are established - now has come the salvation of our God and the authority of His [eligible]. This old world is passing away.

1 John 2:15 - 17

Don't you want to live forever?

I don't know what your thoughts are - but you know there is one God - the Father - the Creator. You can't put that away. He reads your heart. He has blessed you in many ways. Count them!

Make your mind over - Ephesians 4:22-24 verse 10 Keep on making sure of what is acceptable to the lord.

Satan is on his way out - no more will he be able to turn people away from the true Creator. It won't be long until he is crushed. Romans 16:20

Please write to a 90 year old grandmother who loves you very much.

[Signature]

I didn't need this shit this morning. Went to work, can't get it out of my head. Why did I even bother opening it?

Isolation and Cults

2008-07-29T17:45:00.005-05:00

A constant theme of this blog has been recovery in leaving a cult and rebuilding my life - as well as the pure mind-fuck that happens doing that. The whole journey has been a difficult one for me and those around me. The part that's hardest to explain, especially to those that have been constant sources for support, is the complete and total feeling of isolation in leaving. After all, when people are so willing to adopt you into their family, listen to you bitch and moan, and give a constant ear, how can you possibly feel isolated?

Especially recently, with biological "family" events and happenings, the theme of isolation comes to mind. When informing my family that I most assuredly would not be attending their little reunion, they asked why I was "isolating" myself. That is when this new chapter of my life started making more sense.

Feelings are difficult to change. I wish I could flip a switch and suddenly connect with the people around me. I wish I could make the whole process "easy". Looking at what friends and family members of ex-cult members go through, I'd say that it's just as tough, if not more so, than leaving. It kinda makes sense that only a small group of people manage to 'work through' the walls raised by an ex to become friends.

A metaphor might help to explain what it's like to be in the "world" for the first time. Imagine that you embarked on a voyage across the ocean. On this voyage, you live in a small boat stocked with all the supplies you need to survive. On the horizon, you see other people in similar small boats. But you are alone in your boat - only a small radio and the ability to stand outside and wave to other people on the same journey provide any human contact.

For many, the decision to leave a cult is the single most solitary thing that can ever be done. Leaving the cult is the decision to step on the boat and venture off not knowing what is out there, with only the hope of hitting land at some point. And because that decision is such a solitary thing, no one will ever fully understand. After all the damage the cult did, the most emotionally destroying thing it will do is force this choice in leaving.

So, you push off into the world with only the hope of finding land, after years of being told that the ocean will eat you whole. Every social interaction, every party, every friendship, every love, every family - all - interactions defined as evil by your group.

The greatest irony is that my desire for connection, the pain that comes from standing in a crowded room and feeling completely alone, is created by the exact choice to "isolate" myself. I chose to isolate myself by moving across the dark void spanning the distance between the cult and those that live in the outside world. And now that I clasp the hands of those pulling me into a larger, greater, and more beautiful world, I see the reality of a group standing apart from humanity. Alone and pitiful.

So, as my parents warn me of "isolating myself", I stand and realize how very different that is from the reminder of my friends that they are there. The message from the family was not one of giving. They did not say "we are here for you in your time of need". They only stood and shouted that I was a fool for making my journey. And while I see myself in troubled waters, I am still moving forward.

Vegetarian Challenge - Conclusions

2008-07-18T20:49:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow will be my last official day of my self-enforced diet habit, but I won't have much time to blog about it throughout the day. I've managed 6 days without any meat products, though I have not banned eggs and dairy.

As a health experiment, I'd say that the personal challenge here was very successful. I've managed to eat healthy, well balanced meals, everyday. I've also noticed increases in energy, easier time sleeping / better sleep, lack of muscle cramping / feeling of muscle cramping during tough work out, and have managed to loose a couple pounds. Also, I'm relatively certain my blood pressure has decreased back to my original good levels from the slightly elevated levels I've been stuck at for a while. As a health choice, it's forced me to avoid fast food, and convenience foods that filled my stomach but only provided questionable nutrition.

Now, that said, I think I could have achieved all of the same effects simply by watching my diet more as an omnivore. The thing is, I don't know if I constantly watching my diet is something I'm capable of doing. Not eating meat makes life a lot easier, as you remove whole groups of unhealthy and easy options. (Note: I'm aware it's very possible to eat an unhealthy diet as a vegetarian.)

I attribute the slight but noticeable health impacts to the following -

Pure placebo effect by changing things up.
Lower calorie intake
Less refined sugars from fast foods
Much higher potassium / sodium intake ratio

Of all things to be aware of, the fourth I did not really know about before starting. Yes, I'd heard 'keep the sodium down'. I had not heard that how important potassium is in your diet, that the average American gets much lower than the recommended potassium intake daily.

Insuring a solid decent intake of potassium (a daily minimum of 2000 mg), and lowering intake of sodium has benefits for hypertension, osteoporosis, and kidney stones.

So, overall, a positive experience. It also helps me to realize how difficult it can be to order meals as a vegetarian when everything seems to involve beef, chicken, or fish. Still, the overall moral of the story?

Eat your fruit and vegetables.

...

I still want a steak.

Edit, Forgot the links...

K-State Article
USDA Article
CO State Article

Things to think about

2008-07-18T20:00:00.000-05:00

Worth remembering.

Vegetarian Challenge - Day 3

2008-07-15T18:25:00.002-05:00

I could really go for a hamburger now, preferably with bacon. And a steak. Maybe finish that off with a nice ham. Then polish the day off with a turkey sandwich.

3 days so far, and still successful at avoiding meat. The change in diet does seem to be doing some good, but it's really too short to know. I'm realizing now that I don't get nearly enough vegetables in my normal diet.

It's odd, that my 'challenge' to myself is basically to eat a diet that a great many people are forced to eat - simply because meat can be a luxury when you have little at all to eat. We take meat granted, largely due to an enormous amount of industrial know how and ability.

Actually, we as a society take food granted. There are groups of people that live here, yes, that have difficulty obtaining good food. But, those challenges are small compared to what can be found in other countries.

Still, I'm in the mood for a steak.

Vegetarian Challenge - Day 2

2008-07-14T17:10:00.003-05:00

I've decided to be a vegetarian for one full week.

I'm not going the vegan route, so milk, eggs, and cheese are still on the menu. Fish, however, is not. Why do such madness?

Well, basically, I'm trying to start better watching what I eat, and further trying to eat healthier. I'd argue there is little about a vegetarian diet that is inherently "better" than an the usual, but I'm hoping that the attempt here will result in something better. Also, a couple of people are of the opinion I'm not going to make it.

I figure one week should be easy, so I'll be logging my progress here. So far, so good. Lunch today consisted of a olive and mushroom pizza with a small salad. So far, so good.

Things Fundi's Say - "I wouldn't know because"

2008-06-29T17:48:00.004-05:00

In most contexts, a lack of knowledge or ignorance is a bad thing. Not so with Fundi Christians! I introduce you to a new phrase - "I wouldn't know because". When hearing this phrase, it's a clear indicator of a coming insult.

Example uses -
"What'd you think of that new movie?"
"I wouldn't know because I don't watch R rated movies"

"You know that corner of A and B streets where the drug dealer hangs out?"
"I wouldn't know because I don't do drugs"

Now, to truly show yourself as a fundi, you can't just say these phrases reasonably - a mistake I've made in a few of the above. The proper use of the phrase requires the ignorance and ignorance cause to be rather unrelated to the topic at hand. Bonus point if the phrase is in response to a statement and not a question.

"That restraunt had really good cocktails"
"I wouldn't know because I'm not a drunk"

Completed with a snear, this "I wouldn't know because" phrase is perfect for the budding fundi.

Denial

2008-06-25T21:39:00.002-05:00

So, I'm watching TV a couple months ago, just after my nice 30" HDTV went out of warranty. I bought it a while back. It's a CRT, one of the last HDTV CRTs made. Compared to LCD screens, CRTs had (and still have) higher image quality. So, I was a bit concerned while watching the TV to hear a "pop" and watch the picture flash off and back on.

Not a problem, I thought to myself, probably just a signal hiccup, right? Yeah, that's all, I won't see it again.

A couple weeks later, "pop". Now, I'm thinking - ahh, not really an issue, it'll sort itself out.

Not so lucky.

It's now popping about once every 3 or 4 seconds, which makes watching TV near impossible - as soon as the picture comes back, "pop", bye picture.

How is it, I buy a cheapo TV that lasts over 10 years, my parents have a TV that recently hit 20, and I have a TV that craps out after 2?

So, now, I've joined those without TVs. On the plus side, that means more blogging, and I've read a good chunk of "Stranger in a Strange Land".

Of course, now I have a 150 lb CRT to figure out how to get rid of.

Friends don't let friends buy broken software

2008-06-17T23:38:00.003-05:00

I'm shocked that EA is continuing it's current scheme of copy protection, after all of the consumer issues already reported with The Sims. Even more frustrating to me, is that I really was looking forward to purchasing Spore, which would be one of the first computer games I've bought in a couple years. (The last being Half Life 2, nothing new is interesting me it seems....)

However, EA is currently continuing it's draconian tactics of copy protection. Tactics that in the end serve to do little against dedicated pirates and directly harm consumers.

http://www.simprograms.com/?p=692

I'd ask that you seriously consider the attitude of EA towards its costumers, with this software. I'd ask that you consider that EA is charging you money for essentially broken software.

I will no longer be purchasing EA games and I encourage everyone to do the same. Limiting a user's ability to install a game, move it to another computer, is wrong.

I think the time has come for a class action suit against EA for selling broken software.

EA - if record companies have finally begun to understand the benefits of selling without DRM, what's stopping you?

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T23:58:00.003-05:00

Somehow, it's fitting that tonight I held a small memorial service for my grandma. A close friend and his family visited Kansas City. My friend performed some prayers and said a few words about grandma. The point wasn't a gathering of people, I've had that through various close friends and family. The point was ceremony.

The day before, I watched the Phoenix land with a small group of people. And the night before that, I went to a party held by my adopted sister. This weekend on a whole has led me to think about my life, the lives of those around me, and what I want out of the world. What strikes me most is the substance of the past few weeks. As a society, I think we sometimes loose track of the important things. And then, I realize what today is.

I believe our country is sick. A festering illness is rotting away our very core. On Memorial Day, we choose to remember those that have given the ultimate sacrifice for the freedoms we hold dear. And yet, as a people we have taken those freedoms and spat upon them. The illness lies in our own ego and pride - the belief that we are always right. It hops into our churches and courthouses. It sinks into our speech.

In Iraq, our forces fight to 'bring freedom to the people'. What strikes me though is that I'm not sure we remember what freedom is. Freedom is not a form of government. Freedom is a way of thinking. Freedom is self-determination. The Founding Fathers of our country recognized freedom, and attempted to form a government that would foster an environment for freedom. How can we bring freedom to another people when we ourselves have forgotten it?

Our attitude toward freedom is only one among many symptoms though. Freedom is just one of many basic rights. In forgetting it, we forget our responsibilities to others which allow us to remain free. That failure of responsibility manifests itself in our lack of decency and respect for human dignity.

Churches have become havens of hypocrisy, espousing a message that condemns abortion as murder, yet supporting politicians that would ignore the right of the poor to basic health care. We condemn human rights abuses in China, but currently rank near the top for executing prisoners. Not to mention the current debate as to what does or does not count as torture. We allow debt collectors and creditors to encourage enormous debts of stupid children and then turn and collect from them until they die.

As a country, it is time to turn back to the things that made us great. When facing a powerful opponent, this country once chose to demonstrate our ability instead of only poking the bully. And on July 21, 1969 the results of that demonstration became clear. Man walked on the moon. In that moment, the world took a collective gasp and all realized their humanity. The biggest blows in the cold war were not military victories or defeats. They were the battles for the minds and imaginations of people.

Sadly, preachers, politicians, and schools continue to espouse egoist messages and hate. The current war is not about bringing freedom to the middle east - it's about forcing a people to move to our government, convert to our religion, and give us their oil. We are taking a valuable opportunity to lead the world and frontiers of science and instead focusing our resources on imperialism.

So, on this Memorial Day, I remember the soldiers, and hope that we also remember our humanity.

Grandma, Rest In Peace

2008-05-15T18:02:00.003-05:00

1921 - 2008

Despite our differences, I will miss you.

Denial, Religion, Depression

2008-05-14T19:55:00.006-05:00

Death is a tough thing, especially when it's close. I took a rather long road trip to visit a relative. Reports as to her health varied. Some look at this whole cancer thing as beatable, but the realist in me knows the odds aren't good. Nearing 90, cancer is tough. The truth here is that 'candidate for treatment' is going out the window even more every day.

So, visiting the situation was tough. It was even tougher with the whole religion question between my parents and I and my other relatives. A select few of my immediate relatives are not members of the cult. That said, they fall into the bible-belt Christian category. Relations between them and my family have been tense for years. Of course, my family and me don't have the best of relations either. So, I get to feel the brunt from both sides. Even more fun - the constant preaching and digs from my family.

So, I've been back in Kansas City for three and a half days now. Mentally, I still haven't recovered from the trip. It's not exactly easy seeing someone you are close to on death's door. The trip also forced me into some disturbing realizations.

The first of which, is I'm no longer sure how much of my separation from my family is me versus the family. On one hand, I hear things like "If you bring Christmas presents, you're no longer welcome at this house". On the other, at least my mom calls every now and again just to talk. And yet, they can't call or talking without preaching at me somehow.

I don't like the 'game' we are playing. And, it's worn very thin. We don't really stay in touch. We have an illusion of staying in touch. My parents preach at me, and I don't tell them about the vast majority of my life and views of the morally bankrupt Watchtower corporation. Because, *if* I told them about my hobbies and passions, I'd no longer be welcome there.

So, despite having gone through so much effort to break free, I don't feel free of it. I'm quickly reaching the conclusion that the only way I'll be able to relax mentally is to clearly let the family know, that not only do I view the religion as a fucking cult, but I have no intention of ever returning to it. Still, doing that would be devastating to my mom.

Why do I even care anymore?

An honest look at this here just shows me that whatever joy I gain from my family is overpowered by the crap relationship that the cult has created. It seems that I have worked so hard for others happiness, that I have no clue what I want. I just wish I could shut off my feelings for my family. Not give a fuck if they live or die. I'm sick of dealing with people that see me as "not doing anything about the truth". I'm sick of dealing with people that say they want to say hi, but really are just going to give an hour long preaching session.

Then, to add to my mental brain fuck, after spending a few days surrounded by people and family, I speed back to Kansas City. Down South, smothered by people who view me as sick. Up North, completely alone.

Truth be told, in the cult, I never felt like a liability. And now, I look at my general mindset, and think I am. I hate feeling like a needy bitch when I'm around people. And as I hate that, I generally hate being around people as well.

So, being around my family, trying to say goodbye to family, just showed me that caring hurts.

Still calling....

2008-05-06T19:20:00.002-05:00

BCR == asshats

They called. In fact, they called twice today. And left messages.

Despite telling them I am not the person they are looking, they continue to call, repeatedly.

Fuckers.

Going to call their corporate office and try to get some resolution.

Need some advice...

2008-05-05T20:52:00.002-05:00

I have been receiving phone calls from a company listed as "BCR". They have repeatedly called and asked for someone that is not me. Generally, they like to stretch the bounds of legal limits in terms of calling times. I have respectfully informed them the person they were looking for did not have this number, and that I did not wish them to call back. They continue calling.

Unfortunately, the calls continue. My question: what steps do I need to take in terms of getting these annoying, daily, phone calls to stop? As I have no business relationship with these people and have repeatedly asked them to stop calling, is this not violating SOME law? If it's not, it damn well should be.

The number they are calling me with is: 1.866.364.9836 - this number is tied to numerous complaints online in regards to harassing phone calls. I do not have an address or any information with which to write them.

A small part of me wants to inflict some pain upon them in some legal way/shape/form for repeatedly waking me up on the weekend and interrupting my dinner. I think I actually became "that guy" with this last phone calling, telling them "You have me really pissed off, I don't fucking know ****, I'm sick of your calling, and I don't want you to call back. Am I clear?"

Which was responded to with a click. You know, if I was ***** I'd be fairly upset about a debt collecting firm calling some random person and informing them that I owed a debt. Again, if that's not illegal, it damn well SHOULD be.

If they call again tomorrow, I might just stroke. As if dealing making a trip to a family that thinks I'm the anti-Christ to say goodbye to a dieing relative wasn't enough.

Fuckers.

Death

2008-05-04T19:20:00.001-05:00

In a few days, I'll be traveling again. A close relative has cancer and it appears that after over 80 years of life, her end has come. And so, I now sit and wonder about life and death and my own mortality. Everyone in the family is grieving now.

As religious people, they have a "hope" for her- an expectation of life after death. This hope is concrete in their minds. Why then, the pain and anguish? If life after death is a real possibility, something to be counted on, and that life will be full of bliss and joy, why be sad? Why cry? As a young child, I took that view entirely. I'm told that after the death of a baby, I walked up to the casket, and whispered, "don't cry, she's just sleeping, she'll wake up in paradise". As a child, I accepted the possibility of life after death completely. As an adult, I have yet to reach a level of certainty about life and death. A large part of me believes that we do have souls, and that death is not an end, but the close of a chapter.

Unlike the child that whispered near the casket so many years ago, I have to admit that I'm not so resolute in that faith. Some people seem to break this general rule. The description of Socrates' death has him cheerful as he drinks a poison cocktail after receiving a death sentence.

It doesn't matter what faith or non-faith you hold, death raises a multitude of questions - the ethics and morality of how to die, how to sustain life, how to care for the dead, what happens to the dead. For the most part, our rituals and handling of death are more for the living than the dead. There are a multitude of different rituals designed to honor the dead. In the United States, there is the standard Christian style service. Some rituals in other lands involve things that many would say are immoral - such as cannibalism.

With all the fear and sadness and ritual, I wonder, do people really believe in the after-life? Looking at the behavior of people, I'm convinced that the vast majority have some deep rooted doubt. They are not the young child - they have seen enough of life to have lost some faith.

The general effect of death on me has been motivation. The current situation raises some questions. How do I want to die? How do I want to be remembered? What do I want for those around me after I die?

Without a doubt, my worst fear to this day is that I should die alone. For some reason, this has always been my worst fear, even back when I was a member of the cult. Maybe, it's because I never really managed a tangible relationship with another human while in the cult - either romance or friends. Sure, you have people you know, but real friends? Not often.

How do I want to be remembered? I don't know. The only thing I know is that I want to be remembered. When my time is up, I'd like someone to look back from time to time and remember me.

Iron Man

2008-05-04T03:43:00.003-05:00

It was good.

Perfect casting.

Make sure you wait through the credits!!!!!!

Kept me awake, even though I had to see a 10:40 PM showing after running errands all day and getting ready for a trip to Dallas. It's been a long day. I'm getting sleep. :)

Egocentric Faith

2008-04-29T21:36:00.010-05:00

The theme of my week has been about being egocentric.

For some reason, humans tend to live most of life in a certain egocentric mode.

For example, fear of trying to "chat up" a woman (or man). The thought is often something like "what if they think I'm an asshole or slut". An unreasonable fear, considering the approached person would likely forget the encounter if the answer was "no". And even then, outside of assault, chances are the memory fades quickly from a photographic image to "some guy/gal" in a matter of hours. Any number of usual fears can be used to highlight our general concern of the world revolving around us. A slight wardrobe malfunction, a noxious odor, an accidental remark.

Moving into adulthood, these examples of egocentrism generally become more juvenile. While a healthy adult may have these thoughts and feelings, they do not have to be controlled by them.

Of course, shame, embarrassment, and caring what others think are not inherent evils. After all, such motivations can serve to make us do great things for others. Often, they are nature's way of whispering in our ear "caring about others benefits you." We don't have to look 4 steps ahead to see how charity and manners helps us out, because we know it instinctively.

Today, I went to the doctor for a sport's injury. And on my way, I was thinking, "he's going to think I'm stupid for having bunged myself up." Funny thing, I get into the Doctor's office, and there is another young man there, who ALSO appears to be there for a sports injury. Surprise surprise. Clue, meet Fate. Then, it turns out that the Doctor is actually fairly supportive of my sport, at least on a professional level. Maybe he just has good bedside manner, but in any case I left realizing - that my concerns didn't matter.

Looking at the situation now, I just see it as an extension of so many years of brainwashing. Years of being told that I was giving God's message to the people. We were responsible for preaching the "good news" to the nations! The governments of the Earth "feared our message". Not only that, but I was personally a "representative of God". And in being such, had to "set an example" for "worldly people". I was one of the few chosen special people.

In reality, people that I talked to thought I was a misguided child, or maybe a wacko cult member, or any number of things OTHER than a "representative of God". The line that "they aren't rejecting you, they're rejecting God" was bullshit. Why? Because it'd imply that somehow the hundreds of people out there could see that a teenage boy had a divine stamp of approval in his message. But even the fire and brimstone God of the old testament gave his profits irrefutable miracles. So by our own "good book", the idea that a young boy could so directly represent God without some backing was, well, crap.

It seems I've had a few conversations in the past several weeks where the proof for God was given as "God must exist because I think it so". (Actually, maybe that's been every proof I've heard). And that "think it so" is enough to condemn me to damnation for not choosing to believe in the exact same God as you. The odd thing, is that I'm not of the "no supernatural at all" camp (a subject for a later blog post).

How can we as humans define the universe by what we "know"? To me, there is a large and unbridgeable gap between "we observe this which supports this hypothesis" and "we know this because we know this". I've always been a spiritual person. Still, my experiences and beliefs do not define what objective reality is. And the exact same is true for everyone: the atheist, the deist, the theist, the Christian. The best we can do is recognize beliefs that we commonly can not observe in the world around us and beliefs that appear to be observable in the world around us.

On it's fundamental basis - that's what "Science" is about - a vehicle which we can use to recognize beliefs and separate them out from observation. Unfortunately, dogmas developed in the religious camps that observation spoke against. (I say observation here to avoid the loaded terminology of "Science"). In seeing the failure of dogmas to observation, we lost the ground rules. And the reason, I feel, is egocentrism. The faithful insist upon the world meeting their world-view. The scientist retorts with his or hers. And yet, I wonder how much effort is wasted in the dogma and debate, when we could be doing so much more with our time if we all just accepted that others will have thoughts different than us. A fair response shows fundamentalists forcing their beliefs on others. And so, we must fight.

This all brings to mind a video I once saw, and I think it's appropriate to leave it hear at the end, enjoy!

Ahhhh, stress relief...

2008-04-11T00:03:00.003-05:00

So, I was away from the gym for a bit, and I came back today to discover we were doing.... tournament practice sparring. Sparring is cool, it's one of those times where you get to discover if you really actually have technique that might be useful against a real opponent. The school practices a couple different types of sparing, each with different rules and equipment (for safety). And we do some training on switching it up.

A couple interesting things happened today. First, for the first time ever, I was the ranking color (non-black) belt. Second, is the story I'm about to tell.

The instructor had us rotate through partners all class. Among my sparring partners was a bit of a surprise - a woman. Now, most of the people reading this will know that - 1. I'm male, and 2. I'm not exactly petite. So, as a 6'6" 230 lb guy, I have some reservations about fighting someone about the same size/weight as Janet (half my weight, a foot shorter). Not to mention, my mom and father constantly repeated the mantra "don't hit girls".

So, here I stand, ready for the start command with my new sparring partner. I timidly step up, and enter the usual sparring stance. The Master yells "SIJAK!" and the round begins. It probably looked comical, almost David vs. Goliath. But this time, David was a chic. Aha! An opening!

*Pffft*

I kick and connect, but it's really nothing more than a light tap. The only sound is a small release of air from padding. I have visions of disapproving parents looking at me, saying "oh my, he hit a girl."

*Pffft*

She returns a light tap to my side. Crazy, I realize, she didn't even try that time. She didn't have to. As I throw another kick, I hear her mocking cry "Is that all you can do?"

And, I realize, I'm at the gym, and I'm worried about hurting someone while wearing all this safety equipment. Why shouldn't I try to win? Damn it! This is my time to shine! Now usually, this would be a safe assumption when you weigh 2x as much as someone, but not today.

*WHAM*

Yes! A hit! I connected. And this time not just a light tap - a full on hit. Woohooo! A point! I'm dedicated to trying at this point. As you can imagine from my even telling, this doesn't end well. You see, my sparring partner isn't just a smallish woman, she's a 4th degree black belt, and a world title holder in Martial Arts sparring. For those unfamiliar with Martial Arts, there's a concept known as "reciprocity". It generally goes like this - a Master rank instructor will spar as you do to make you better at it. If I choose to go full contact, he/she'll do the same. And, well, I chose.

*WHAM WHAM*

Crap... The hits start to come. The details of the match aren't all that important, but let's just say the feminists reading here would be happy. At the end of the match, we bow, and she let's me know

"Wow, you've gotten a lot better"

Damn, not even a real sweat.

I smile and bow to the teacher, beaten yet having learned. (The other part of sparing a Master is that they come down to your level + 1 and try to teach you something through the match, if you're smart you know this and figure out what they're showing you...)

The awesome thing is that this wasn't out of the ordinary. But today, for some reason, either my generally bad week or crap from my family - well, it felt good having an excellent athlete teach me some new moves at the minor expense of getting beat up a bit.

So, doing the whole Martial Arts thing - one of the best decisions I've made.

Now, I'm gonna go collapse. I'd like to post pictures of the bruises inflected upon me from this match, but as I've lost my USB cable, I'll share some applicable music instead:

Psuedo - Haiku from current events

2008-04-10T08:45:00.002-05:00

Preventable death
A battle with reason lost
Religious warfare

In reference to Janet's post. Things like this only add fuel to my ever increasing anger.

Midnight, not asleep

2008-04-08T23:47:00.002-05:00

So, I grabbed the laptop since I was tired of staring at the popcorn ceiling of my apartment. Maybe I should go college style and put a poster over the bed. It'd probably be more interesting than counting ceiling dots. I've not been able to sleep properly for the past week, and I've taken a couple pieces of advice (including cutting caffeine/sugar).

Recently, I've just been angry. I'm not sure why, but I can't seem to escape it. It's almost a pseudo-depression. And it probably doesn't help that in my day to day dealing with people, I try to be the upbeat, optimistic one. Maybe I try to hard. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some small part of 'want-to-be-liked' in there. I'm experiencing an identity crisis. Mostly, I have no clue who I am anymore. Somewhere, lost between my view of the 'perfect person', who I used to be, who I think I am, who I want to be, and who people see me as, is myself. My parent didn't support a new and burgeoning personality, they repressed it with indoctrination and religious dogma. I must agree with Dawkins, the worst mental damage as a child came from those around me stating I was of the faith of my parents. The person I was meant to be was shackled and thrown into a lake to drown. I'm still looking for them, but everyday I loose a bit more hope.

I want to dream. I'm tired of nightmares brought on by years of abuse. As memories of my childhood begin to surface, I realize why I forgot. To be the constant freak, the eyesore of all, for simply following a religious mantra. Year after year of no extra curricular activities, missed dances, ignored romance, and lost opportunities. And, to end up an adult, bruised, broken, beaten. Where even simple physical contact is difficult at best.

Why is it when things go well I feel like shit? I'm more convinced it's because some part of me still thinks I shouldn't enjoy the successes I've had. Because my life is now material, or sinful. Professionally, I'm respected, at the top of my game, and working in a top company with fierce competition to get in. Yet, my family won't talk about any of that, because I refuse to follow the path of their damn church.

I'm staring at a letter written by my family informing me that God will always be there for them, and that noone in the family can separate them from that. It's the first time in nearly a t year I've heard from these people, and that is what I get. I so badly want to tell them what's really going on. My mind is screaming to be heard. And yet, I live with the knowledge that this family of mine will never talk to me again if I am. How does a mere mortal fight with God himself? Yet, I know this is not "God", but an idea of religion from the minds of men.

Waking from great trauma is extremely painful, which is why I suspect dragging my sunken personality out of the depths continues to be so difficult. Building a life from scratch is so very, very difficult - and it's left me tired. I'm tired of forcing myself into so many things that I just don't have the energy or desire to do. Yet, I continue trying because I won't be satisfied until I find and help my true self come out. I wish it wasn't so fucking hard.

Back to counting popcorn.

Grrrrrrr stupid fracking family

2008-04-04T19:15:00.002-05:00

Being single sucks (a repeated theme of this blog). That said, I'm generally happy that my bathroom doesn't look to have multiple medieval torture devices - hot wax, burning irons, curved scissors and picks, etc... Not to mention, I have the ability to go out with the guys or to the gym without hassle. Despite my being generally happy about my living situation - I'm not entirely satisfied. And, I really see nothing wrong with that. As soon as you are entirely satisfied you are either dead (and have proved the existence of Heaven) or stagnant and boring. I don't expect to ever be entirely satisfied, there is ALWAYS something you can be making better about your life, or relationship, or yourself.

I don't live in a constant mope/depressed state, but I'm getting close to living in a constant pissed off state. For whatever reason, there are waves in my life where everything seems to start coming together to remind me that "I should want more". And then I dip my toe in the water, and realize how much things suck being single. In short, I'm happy so long as people don't throw it up in my face. Cause then, you can easily forget the good things about being single (no nightmares about "I'm late!" or "why can't you spend more time with me?"), and see that there is more out there.

Why do I bring all this up? Because, for whatever reason, several people in my life seem to want me to settle down and have children. The 'have children' part there is the critical part, the 'settle down' is just required for that.

I don't want children right now.
I don't need children right now.
I'm not in a good place to have children right now.

I don't have someone to have children with right now.
I don't want to rush into finding that someone.
I'm not even sure I want to find that someone.

And yet, EVERY fucking time I'm on the phone with multiple different people. I'll get asked the question: "So, are you dating anyone yet?"

Fuck no, and you don't have to fucking ask me every time, I'll tell you if I am. Damn it.

My mom is OBSESSED with grandchildren. My grandma is obsessed with great grand-children. And now, I have another woman (who is reasonably close to me), attempting to set me up with someone (I'm not interested). Why? Cause SHE wants grandchildren and can't have them otherwise.

I feel like the guy in Wicker Man, surrounded by women that want some sick form of human sacrifice. They need something to give the marriage gods. Well, it's going to take someone very special for me to go down, and it won't be without a fight.

Damn it, what I do with my baby-maker is my own damn business(unless you are a reasonably attractive woman with very adult but hold-off-on-the-marriage-and-child-for-now ideas, then we can discuss it). I don't mind introductions, but don't pressure me to do something I'm not ready for, or sure about...

*muffled yell*

Consequences

2008-03-30T11:28:00.005-05:00

In the process of spring cleaning yesterday, I found a small book that I once used for various pieces of advice in my life. This particular book was replaced with another one while I was growing up, but my family still gave me a copy of the original. The book was title - "Your Youth - Getting the Best out of it". Curious about what I was reading as a child (my memories of childhood are still mostly gone, even though I have recovered some), I picked it up and turned to a couple chapters.

One theme of the book spoke of 'consequences'. Actions have consequences - a constant theme in my childhood. But reading the book, it dawned on me that so many consequences we face for our actions are not directly associated with the action itself. And what's more, many negative consequences are only defined as negative from a narrow point of view.

Single mothers are forced to bear an "unhappy struggle to rear an illegitimate child". Why do we as a society say that such a struggle MUST be "unhappy". I have no doubt of the difficulty involved - but is the struggle itself "unhappy"? Maybe there are some out there that find rewards, indeed happiness, in being a single parent. Even more surprising to me are remarks venturing outside well-defined results:

"So called sexual freedom changes what should be pleasurable and clean into something cheap and detestable. So, which do you want - an occasional brief moment of illicit sexual excitement with all the risks and problems in involves, or the satisfaction of having a clean conscience before God"

The same book goes on to tell how dating/dancing/music/appearance lead to sex, and so all those things should be done to prevent that from happening. The basic line of reasoning is: certain music leads to sex, which is inherently bad outside of marriage, therefore that music is bad. But, the final consequence of a dirty and unclean feeling didn't come from sex, it came from teachings about sex. To me, this amounts to playground reasoning:

"I don't see anything wrong with having sex"
"But, you'll get all sorts of nasty diseases."
"But I practice safer sex by limiting partners and using protection"
"You can still get diseases"
"I can still get diseases if I have sex after I'm married, and using safer sex practices, the risk of infection is small enough to not remove the other benefits - both health and emotionally"
"You will feel dirty after"
"Actually, I feel rather good"
"But, you should feel dirty, cause my Father in heaven, who is the biggest most knowning person ever wrote in his book that sex is bad if you aren't married, Neener neener"

Consequences from sex are one obvious theme. But this goes into so many other places.

Refusing to be Christian has consequences. Is it the refusal that causes the problems or reaction from that refusal? A person that decided to smoke pot faces consequences - less from the drug itself and more from the reaction of society to using a non-approved chemical for pleasure. The same goes for any number of other illicit chemical substances. A Governor recently went down for paying a prostitute. Pundits spouted moral outrage at his actions. My outrage is more for the hypocrisy of this man than his hiring of a sex worker.

The monster of consequence is constantly flashed at children, and yet we as a society are ignoring real consequences. 4,000 people dead in Iraq - that is REAL. Those people are not coming back - they have faced the ultimate consequence. We can sprout off some playground reasoning for why having sex or doing drugs has 'consequences' from some random piece of paper a group of men with funny hats denoted as Holy, OR we can look at the real, concrete consequences of our actions.

And in the end - that's the point. The religious right is so concerned with creating consequences for people they don't agree with that they have forgotten the soldiers of our countries being used as a ploy for oil and religion. And that, friends, pisses me off.

2008-03-29T22:05:00.003-05:00

I promised to blog more often, but haven't felt like much lately. Still, this looks fun. One word answers.

You're Feeling: weary
To Your Left: lamp
On Your Mind: family
Last Meal Included: taco
You Sometimes Find it Hard To: wake
The Weather: bleh
Something You Have a Collection of: movies
A Smell that Cheers You Up: citrus
A Smell that Can Ruin Your Mood: vomit
How Long Since You Last Shaved: Morning
The Current State of Your Hair: 'Fro
The Largest Item On Your Desk/Workspace Right Now (besides computer): Feet
Your Skill with Chopsticks: God - unless you mean the food utensil then: Decent
Which Section You Head to First In the Bookstore: Specials
...and After That?: Philosophy
Something You're Craving: (censored)
Your General Thoughts On the Presidential Race: Fuck
How Many Times You've Been Hospitalized this Year: Nyet
A Favorite Place to Go for Quiet Time: Outside
You've Always Secretly Thought You'd Be a Good: pornstar
Something that Freaks You Out a Little: Taxes
Something You've Eaten Too Much of Lately: Hamburger
You Have Never: inhaled
You Never Want To: quit

From Janet + Others....

The God Delusion

2008-03-23T13:09:00.004-05:00

So, after my readings of some apologetic writing, I decided to crack the other side and started The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. Immediately, I was rather impressed by his writing style. The apologetics writings all came across as mafia style reasoning.

"It'd be a shame if you had to burn in hell for not following our line of thinking."

Dawkins' work had a refreshing air to it, namely the lack of some covert agenda breaking in on the point the book was arguing.

Theistic writing seems to work like this:

1. Prove why the "Science" explanation is unlikely/wrong.
2. Prove why the God explanation is "right".
3. Prove why X is the true way.
4. Prove why a given denomination or sect is the correct form of X.

Thankfully, some apologetics is open about its agenda. But in the day of "Intelligent Design", it seems for whatever reason religionists have become intent on hiding their real point.

I should note that I do not agree with Richard Dawkins views on religion. I have yet to find my faith if any, and I may still turn out to be a materialist in the end. That places me squarely in the "target" category for this book. As I see it, his book makes several points:

1. "God" should be treated as a testable hypothesis, which is answerable.
2. A believable model of the universe can be constructed without need for a God to exist.
3. Religion is not a prerequisite for morality, and common morals exist outside of religion.
4. Religion causes harm.
5. The "god shaped gap" in our brains can be filled by other things.

Contrary to the religionists claims, I was rather amazed by the large portions of the book that presented an alternative view of the Universe. Discussing this book with a few people, I've heard the sentiment that spending a whole book trying to disprove something just gives it credence. On a rhetorical level, that may be true. However, it was refreshing to look at the possibility of evolution and basic science and theory without having to dismiss it for my belief in God.

All that said, in my eyes, this book only hit the monotheistic religions. And of those, it really only dealt with the major Abrahamic faiths. To be fair to Dawkins' - the book is called "The God Delusion" and not "The Supernatural Delusion". And as such, I didn't really expect much response tho things such as Buddhism or Neo-paganism or any of the other off-by-one faiths out there. Which raises my major disagreement with this book - the stance on belief. Dawkins' speaks out clearly against "belief in belief". Now, I could be reading a bit more into his words than he intended, but he seems to imply more to belief than is reasonable.

It is a pseudo-worshiped principle, "the Scientific method". Granted from "reason". We have evidence, we use that evidence to create a theory, we test that theory, it fits the test or is disproven. Some theories have worked long and well enough that they are accepted as true, at least until evidence comes around to remove them.

The problem exists when we have a question with no or little evidence (yet!). How do we move, for example, from a thought experiment to the atomic bomb? And that, my friends, is when belief is necessary. Under this model, the hypothesis can be seen as a statement of belief. And the believer is willing to put this belief to the test.

That willingness is what removes a healthy belief form an unhealthy one. Belief in its most raw, basic form leads to great debates in science. Dawkins' thus appears to not be addressing "belief in belief" but belief in dogma. Belief in itself is healthy, but the whole "thou shalt not put your God to the test" business creates some dicey situations.

Overall, as someone still figuring out the world and leaving an abusive faith (a very well thought out point in Dawkins' work), I found the overall points Dawkins' presented well done.

As someone sitting on the sidelines for now though, I think it is important that we draw the distinction between belief, dogma, and fundamentalism. Drawing attention to provably false statements is a good thing. Calling people out for moral hubris based on belief systems should NOT be a taboo. But at the same time, non-dogmatic belief can lead to great discoveries.

Dawkins' limiting of belief to only dogmatic fundamentalism leaves a great many questions in my mind as how we as a society should handle belief systems that develop and already exist. In other words, how can society have "healthy faith" and "beliefs" instead of none-at-all?

A Haiku

2008-03-14T00:08:00.000-05:00

Been a rough week at work, so thought I'd sure this:

Random failure lurks
In userspace or kernel?
Debugger useless

Errrrr.... Scary.....

2008-03-09T16:43:00.002-05:00

So, for a couple days, I've smelt a strange odor outside my apartment. I didn't think much of it, and kinda shrugged it off - yesterday, it seemed a bit strong, and the thought occurred to me that it might be natural gas. I made a mental note that if it was there, I might should call the gas company. Mostly, because I was in a hurry to make an appointment.

I'm gone for the day, head over with a group of coworkers to do a movie night thing. I get back to the house round-abouts 1:00 AM. There's a couple trucks out in the back of my apartment, but I shrug it off, and park. Head into my apartment, and crash.

This morning, I get a knock on the door - waking me from my sleep. I have two thoughts at the time, "shit, it's cold in here", and "why the fuck is someone waking me up". I zombie-walk to the door and am greeted by a rather nice MGE technician.

"There was a gas leak last night, and we had to turn gas off to this complex. Now that the leak is fixed, we are relighting pilot lights and checking gas lines."

Holy shit.

I've lived with natural gas 24/25 of my life, and I never been in a situation with a leak. I had gotten so used to it, that the danger my neighbors and myself in was not apparent to me. In short, I/we were damn lucky that nothing ignited the gas, and further, that someone called the gas company.

So, overall I'm glad that I've been reminded to not mess around with natural gas odor and to call the gas company, and REALLY glad that this reminder came from a night without heat and a polite MGE employee waking me up instead of being toasted in a fireball.

Lesson learned, and worth repeating: If you smell a rotten egg or odd odor, CALL THE GAS COMPANY.

I'm glad to be lucky this one time, next time, I'll remember to be proactive and not lucky.

A taste of conservative idiocy

2008-03-08T08:58:00.002-06:00

I don't know why I get these emails, I don't know who the are from. But, I'm really having trouble reading this email from a couple days ago. I don't know if its funny, sad, or stupid. Still, I thought I'd share.

Obama is the real threat. You know how the Bible has given us clues to who the antichrist will be? Scholars have figured out that the antichrist will come from Africa. Obama wasn't born their. He was born in Hawaii and was sent to Africa to live. He grew up in the Militant Islamic schools that are spawning terrorists all over the world. The Bible also mentions that he will rise to power through the government and will become the most powerful man in the world.
...

Obama is a smooth talker. He has fooled many people who want peace, redistributed wealth and BETTER HEALTH CARE. The Bible talks about not being able to buy or sell, but it is mum about what you will be able to buy or sell. What if health care is the root to these means? They believe that he will be able to miraculously heal the sick through aborted fetus research. He will heal the sick with miraculous science and brilliant health care policies. Everyone will have to sign up. Health care companies will not be able to sell unless they agree to the government's terms. We won't be able to buy unless we accept the terms. I wonder if they will be able to stop you from purchasing any kind of health care product until you sign up? Or worse, prevent you from withdrawing your retirement until you sign up. Do you go down off the roof and into the house to get your your things, or accept the mark of the beast to buy or sell in the stock market or withdraw your life's savings? Will this be the means to the end?
...
Obama is a devout Muslim. He has never said the pledge of allegiance. He has never sung the national anthem. There are pictures on the web of him silently standing with his hands crossed next to Hillary and another senator singing the national anthem with their hands on their hearts. He is the first Muslim senator ever, and the first government leader to be sworn into public office on the Koran. I believe he will be the first president to be sworn into office on the Koran. Who is it that says you must believe our religion or die? Most people would answer,"Christianity". Islam is the correct answer. We know that Christianity isn't forced on anyone. If Obama makes Islam our national religion, watch out. If we turn against Israel, watch out. When Obama takes office, I believe all these things will begin to happen very quickly and it will be too late to go back into your house to get your things. It will be too late to get your retirement out. I'll bet he will block everyone from getting their retirement until they sign up for national health care.
It will be too late then. You will have to take the mark to buy or sell. Then what?
...

No one knows what Obama believes, All they know is that he looks good, sounds good and wants what they want - a future. He is a snake in sheep's clothing ready to take his place as ruler of the world. He is looked to as the only one who can bring peace to the Muslim world because he is the only Muslim leader in the world poised to offer it. 7 years of peace before all hell's fury is released. I believe he will use the words,"Peace through unity". This came to me on 3/5/08. We shall see.

I highlighted the interesting bits for those that didn't want to read it all. So, besides the facts that Obama has proved that he does say the Pledge of Allegiance, has been a member of a Christian church for an extensive period of time, and was indeed sworn into church on a bible... the 'scary' claims here that Obama is the anti-christ because he came from Africa and has a national health care plan....

Holy shit. I'm left wondering here how people buy into this fantasy. I might not agree with Obama on a _LOT_ of things, but this takes it to a whole new level. This isn't politics, it's insanity.

Don't really know what to say...

2008-03-08T08:47:00.003-06:00

Powered By Love Toys

So, apparently, being sasquatch has its advantages - I can't really figure out why else I'd get the high number. For the right person, I might consider a $1,223.99 discount - hey, it's never free, ok?

Overland Park Drivers Suck

2008-03-07T21:08:00.002-06:00

So, my morning starts out with a long nasty drive on 435 and I35. A perfect conglomeration of accidents and lane closures that ended up with ramps closed, and cars placed in park. Annoying, but something I could deal with. I hop off the highway and hit the back roads.

I make it to work, a bit later than I like, but still ok. The day goes on, I work on some cool stuff, and forget about the nasty morning caused by the numerous accidents sprinked along the interstate. At roughly 4:00 PM, I head out to deposit a check, so I can go out on the weekend perhaps. I head to the bank on a short break while waiting for a compile. Normally, this errand takes 15 minutes tops. Not today.

I slow and come to a stop waiting to make a left hand turn into the bank's rear entrance. There is only one car in oncoming traffic. A car behind me that appears to be stopped/slowing. The oncoming traffic passes, and I left my foot off the brake to make the turn. *WHAM* The car connects with my rear bumper.

The damage to my car appears relatively minor. The car that hit me managed to puncture the bumper with the license plate, but other than that, it looks ok. I got the other driver's insurance info. The annoying thing is that if the impact had been even a fraction less, there wouldn't have been any damage and I could have just moved on. A large part of me wants to just forget about the whole thing and move on. Another part of me knows that I'd be annoyed by the two small holes in the back of my rear bumper. Part of me knows that the person that hit me made a small mistake, and will get some level of hassle from this whole thing.

So, after 8 years without touching the paint of another vehicle (or my own), I have finally broken the whole accident thing. I've talked to a collision company and will be taking the car in on Monday. We are both insured by the same company, and they happen to have an office there, and my previous experience with both the collision and insurance companies was actually very good (despite their being a chain).

The thought crossed my head of not involving the insurance company at all, as the cost is likely to only be a couple hundred dollars (unless something more nasty happened than the obvious aesthetics). And yet, it just seems likely that every time I try to be nice to people, it just turns out to be trouble.

I'm really just sick of it all right now - I want things to go right. Looking at my life, I could easily say I've been a success, but I've had to pay somehow and fight for every one of the successes I've had. And then, when I hit a resting point and I'm not fighting for something at the moment, when I finally have a 'sabbath' if you will, this sorta shit happens. I really thought the 'event' of the week was over, after my mom e-mails me for the first time in a month, just to give me a reminder about the "Memorial". Universe /Divine Power /Goddess /God / Jesus / Allah / FSM / IPU: Are you done fucking with me yet? I dare not ask you to help rebuild my social circle or find romance. I fear what tragedy would befall if I even got close there.

Fuck the world.

Laying odds Texas goes blue in the next 12 years...

2008-03-05T21:52:00.002-06:00

I've stated this again and again, but I think it just sounds so outlandish that people don't buy it. As strange as it sounds, the state that produced our current white house village idiot, very well could go blue. Why? The makeup of the state. Yes, you have the super-conservative core there. But you also have cities with large numbers moving in (or being born and coming of age). Not to mention the large contingent from New Orleans that have remained. Of course, you wouldn't get this idea from the press. (Unless you live in conservative Texas and get to hear about them damn (any number of censored nouns) taken' over.)

But, I think for the first time, we have some real solid evidence of the soon to happen turn over - the Primary. What's the story?

Here's the numbers:

Clinton votes: 1,455,959
Obama votes: 1,356,330

Total of ALL Republican votes: 1,319,960

Put another way: the number of democratic voters for EACH Democrat candidate outnumbers the TOTAL Republican voters. Given that Democrats at the primary outnumbered the Republicans by a near 2:1 margin, things may very well get interesting in the lone star state.

Compare this to 8 years ago, when the Republicans primary voter count hit double the Democrats, and further, compare that to 4 years ago where the count of Democrat primary voters was only 1/3 this count. I don't think it'll happen this election, but if/when Texas goes blue, the Republicans can very well count themselves out of the white house.

The world is changing...

2008-02-26T23:31:00.005-06:00

A rather interesting article crossed my browser today, from the KC star of all places.

http://www.kansascity.com/105/story/505433.html

Things that I found most interesting was the last paragraph:

Hindus claimed the highest retention of childhood members, at 84 percent. The group with the worst retention is one of the fastest growing — Jehovah’s Witnesses. Only 37 percent of those raised in the sect said they remain members.

Indeed, the thing that struck me most about reading this was that, for all the talking of faith and religion, and the religious right - as a country, we have this sickness of glossing over and pretending faith. Why do I say sickness?

It's not the belief system, it's the lack of caring. It's adopting views about society, the world, what is bad and good, and following them without giving regard to consequence. The article above mentions some of the fluidity of belief - people moving away from churches to others. The large portions of society that identify themselves as "Christian", but can give no detail as to what branch. Non-denominational churches are rapidly growing, and a larger and larger number have moved to a "personal faith".

Now, to be fair, a large number of people that move or change faith have given a great deal of thought to it. And further, the fact that such a large number of people have changed faiths could very well say good things about people giving thought to what they believe. The problem I have, is the large number of people that are "cultural Christians".

"The End of Faith" makes an interesting point about these moderates in our society. The large contingent of people that are "just Christian" give those that want to see extremist policies more power. Because, "it doesn't affect me". The end result? States like Kansas try to push notions like "Intelligent Design" as science, and Presidential candidates are not laughed out of the room for "not believing in evolution".

Of course, the complete apathy over faith might lead to some enlightened philosophy... But, then again, I think there's something to be said for faith and belief and so on, or at least, remember what it is.

Part of me thinks that maybe we're just all burned out from the bat-shit insane religious right. Looking at the youths leaving the JWs, and seeing the number that just never really took to the lifestyle, and just want to live.... I think the vast majority could be termed in that light. Still, the cause of the apathy doesn't change the fact that it's there.

Back among the living...

2008-02-24T14:22:00.001-06:00

Flu had me down, but not out. Good to be functional again. Now, got to get back in the swing of blogging.

Quest for a piano teacher contines...

2008-02-03T10:59:00.001-06:00

Well, I took Saturday to visit several music stores in the area.

I've discovered a couple things:
#1 - Keyboardists and Piano players are second class citizens in the music world
#2 - Music teachers are very hit and miss

I guess I knew these both before. (Hey, the keyboardist is always the last band member to laid right?)

So far, I haven't been happy with much of what I've found. I'm seriously considering just going through a college and calling it a day, but that will put my plans on hold because I refuse to pay that much when I'm still paying off college, and moving/starting my life over, etc...

So, via google, I've done some websearching for local business and dropped some emails. Hopefully I get some responses. You'd think people would jump out of the woodwork for business.... Oh well...

In other news, while visiting the music stores I snagged a guitar cord, and discovered, after using said cord, I don't suck nearly as much as I thought - I might actually be able to play guitar. So, work continues on progressing above Bill & Ted garage band level there. So far, it's going well. (I think I might actually have passed Bill & Ted already, wooo!)

Edit: Damn it, I really can't type today.

Stupid People...

2008-02-01T01:07:00.001-06:00

... I realized today, that the one thorn in my side that keeps aching is that of... stupid people. It's not a lack of intelligence, or ignorance, or naivety. No, one can be all of those things, and still not be stupid. Indeed, on even my best days I'll glaringly exhibit most of those traits at some time. To me, being stupid is more related to pride.

See, in order to be stupid, you have to exhibit those traits, and then waltz around the world in complete denial and self-assurance in your intelligence/knowledge/common sense. A stupid person does not listen to people that point to facts and say - have you thought about? A stupid person ignores that there are other people in the room potentially better in some area than them. A stupid person lives in a world so self-oriented that everyone should kiss their ass.

Even the most intelligent people can be stupid, it's not what you know, it's what you *think* you know.

And everyday, they seem to fuck with me in some annoying and small way. From the religious nut jobs, to the politicians, to various coworkers, and former friends. People that think they know better so they can inflict their idiocy upon me.

Such is life...

The race is on....

2008-01-31T00:35:00.000-06:00

... and I'm disgusted. The problem with being able to care about politics? It sucks.

So, now it's between Romney & McCain, and Clinton and Obama... I suspect that McCain can beat Clinton, Obama can defeat both, and Romney v Clinton will be any person's game. I don't like any of them.

So, looks like my first vote for President is going to be a "Protest" 3rd party thing. Bleh.

Some part of me is expecting Clinton v. Romney - the ultimate in robot vs. douchebag.

Is it worth caring anymore?

My idea: a recall process for all federal elected officials. If the recall is successful, the outgoing scum gets a firing squad. Any takers?

Looking for a piano tutor....

2008-01-29T19:20:00.000-06:00

Well, I've never done this before, so I figured I might start by asking the blog community for recommendations. In my playing, it seems I have hit a bit of a wall - mostly bad habits from years of self-teaching that are now starting to get in the way. So, I've decided that it's time to start looking for lessons (*grumbles*).

Anyway, I'm looking for someone that can do Adult, Intermediate to Advanced Piano, classical/jazz/new age. Bonus points if they can do voice lessons (not required though). I'd prefer someone that does mostly private lessons versus classes, and specializes in adults and can understand work schedules, etc...

I'm looking to work on some classics, technique, and improv.

And, while I really shouldn't have to say this, I'll only consider someone that is better/more skilled than me - I don't consider myself an advanced student, but I hope to be so soon...

Hmmm... Not sure what to make of this....

2008-01-28T20:26:00.000-06:00

Your Score: Akkadian

You scored

You are Akkadian, a blend of the incomprehensible symbols of the Sumerians with the unwritable sounds of the early Semitic peoples. However, the writing just doesn't suit the words and doesn't represent everything needed, so you end up a schizoid mess. Invented in Babylon, you're probably to blame for that tower story. However, crazy as you are, you're much loved and appreciated, and remain actively in use by records keepers long after schools have switched to other languages.

Link: The Which Ancient Language Are You Test written by imipak on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
View My Profile(imipak)

Woohooo (I think?)

2008-01-16T01:19:00.001-06:00

I've hit a new level, yep, my blog is now

Find an Ultrasound school

So, that means you aren't allowed to view this blog from Walmart, and will likely need to justify it was "a research project" at the office. Bah. I promise to keep the standards here high (or is it low). I love that I earned that without a single naughty pic or sex story... Apparently, discussing how religion leads to suicide did it for the censor.

Patterns...

2008-01-15T22:50:00.000-06:00

Why is it, every year, when January rolls around, I find myself at something of an emotional low? Not just the usual feeling down - no, a real, shitty, bad, emotional downhill. I don't know if it's the lack of sunshine, or just that I seem to end up spending more time in ze place instead of going out. Whatever. It sucks.

It sneaks into all aspects of my life. Just generally, it leaves me tired - an uneasy, drained tired, that no amount of sleep can help. But then, you can't sleep. But then, you can't not sleep. But you can't sleep. I don't know, maybe it's the post-holiday 'afterglow' is over, or still there. Whatever. So, instead of being in bed, where I'm supposed to be right now, I'm writing another fucking blog entry.

I'm frustrated. Pissed off. Tired. I'm tired of putting forth the 'happy face'. Things seem to be getting steadily better, but it just doesn't feel that way. I'll take a cue from the great George Carlin here, though without the comedy:

Fuck "God" - at least the God presented by all of the fucked up religious crusaders out there. You know, the schizo "loves you/hates you" God. He loves you, but stick your cock somewhere it shouldn't be a "zap". And like George Carlin says, he always needs money...

Fuck Religion - that nasty thing that caused so much pain in my life. Religion has done more to rip the world apart than any other force. A bunch of self-righteous blow hards yapping that their "God" is the real one and that their Holy Book is the jizz straight from that God's cock.

Fuck Family - I really appreciate the whole "we ignore you're evil" thing. Doesn't matter I'm the family leper, does it? Because I felt that your fucked up religion was slightly more evil than the other groups of God-followers. Oh, and that clearly means I'm gay, cause I must have had some 'reason'. News for you: Yes, I've been with a woman, and it was DAMN GOOD.

Fuck my "Friends" - yeah, all those people that have my number. How many people have called me since I moved to Kansas City? How many people have actually taken the trouble to hold a conversation with me? See why I left? Ask if I'm alive? Does it matter we were friends since I was 10? Does all that time we spent together mean nothing? Does it... Yeah, fuck you all.

Fuck women - you know, my views on women, and that they shouldn't be treated like cattle, started this whole fucking mess. Well, I'll stand by that view, because frankly, it saved me from a lot of pain and misery. But you are all STILL fucking insane, catty, bitches.

Occam's Razor

2008-01-04T20:19:00.000-06:00

I've heard this mentioned now in so many discussions, it's really starting to get grating. Mostly, because people are using wrong. For those that haven't read the Wikipedia entry, or *gasp* an authoritative source... I'll quote here:

William Ockham (c. 1285–1349) is remembered as an influential nominalist, but his popular fame as a great logician rests chiefly on the maxim attributed to him and known as Occam's razor Entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem or "Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily." The term razor refers to the act of shaving away unnecessary assumptions to get to the simplest explanation....
(Article/Wikipedia then goes on to includes quote about the origin - see link - but that's not what this is about...)

— Thorburn, 1918, pp. 352-3; Kneale and Kneale, 1962, p. 243.

Now, with a basic working definition/explanation, I'll summarize my 'annoyances':

1. Occam's razor is not a proof. I can't say: Theory A is simpler than Theory B, therefore, by Occam's razor, Theory A is the correct choice. Indeed, science is flooded with examples where the simpler model is the less correct.

2. Occam's razor does not make a theory "Scientific". First, the term "Scientific" has become almost religious for some. Often, the term is used around a given set of theories, to the exclusion of others. Observability, repeatability, and testability have a lot more to do with how 'scientific' a theory is versus simplicity.

Reading the original, Occam's razor isn't really about comparing theories - it's just the idea that you should keep whatever you are working on as simple as possible. Yes, that extends to comparison of theories - but that doesn't say that you can use it to compare 2 radically different theories.

New Year's Resolutions

2007-12-31T08:32:00.000-06:00

Seems to be a good time to post these, here (in no specific order) -

10. Wake up at a consistent time every morning, instead of kicking the alarm 35 times and having to rush to work.

9. Care about my appearance a little more and spend at least a little every now and then on new clothes.

8. Continue progress on the whole Martial Arts thing.

7. Meet some new people that like / can go out.

6. Finish at least 1 of my writing projects.

5. Finish at least 1 of my composition projects.

4. Reach a level on piano where I can play a venue professionally.

3. Donate more time to charitable projects.

2. Better make time for updating the blog, writing projects, and hobbies.

1. See what I am not doing well in my current relationships and improve on them.

Fate's year of posts...

2007-12-30T11:28:00.000-06:00

From Spyder from Average Jane.

Rules: Paste the first line of your first post for each month, starting with January 2007.

January - So, I'm joining the great and evil empire of google by using them for my blog.

February - A deathly silence stood between the Nazi officer and Wladyslaw Szpilman broken only by the sounds of the Third Reich's war machine.

March - NONE

April - 4/17/06 - the day I left home for the first time. I would return for a few days to gather my things, but this is the day I count from.

May - I went to a Missouri martial arts competition last weekend.

June - I can recount the vast majority of events that led to my leaving my home city and coming to KC.

July - I'll save the photos for when they are "preapproved", but I thought I'd take a few seconds to mention the wedding I went to yesterday.

August - So, this little gem has recently surfaced regarding the current policies in regards to the Jehovah's Witnesses.

October - If you've followed the trend in education, we spend a lot of money on anti-drug programs.

November - Back in yonder days of lore, my father purchased for me, a chemistry set.

December - Well, after a fairly cool day, I get home with a fecking headache.

... Hmmm.... Me thinks I post a lot of drama. Might make that my new year's resolution - less drama in life. But then, that'd make for a less entertaining blog...

Fed Up....

2007-12-30T05:32:00.000-06:00

I'm venting here, so if you have a problem with that, go somewhere else. I'll probably realize this post is a drunken mistake tomorrow and pull it, so read it while you can.

For whatever reason, I had the piss poor fortune of being born a social person in an oppressive religious cult. I had the even further piss poor fortune of having core ideals directly opposed to that same religious cult. I was the kid always in trouble for 'being too friendly' and 'associating with non-believers'.

I am faced daily with the reality that I gave up friends and family so that I could be my own person. I don't talk about it much, but I also gave up a stable sex life as a married man. Yes, that's right, yours truly had romantic interests and waiting pussy. And I threw said waiting pussy away because I had these crazy ideas in my head that women shouldn't be treated like subservient pets, and I had no interest in dealing with the cult bullshit with who I slept with.

I've been told by many people that I shouldn't rush things. That I need to take time to work the cult out of my system. That building a life takes time. That I need to develop "interests". But, today, I would like to take this moment to say, as I sit up not able to sleep -

FUCK YOU ALL.

Yes, you read that right. I'm so god damn sick of living with the reality that I went from having people calling me daily to do stuff, from going out to movies every weekend, having to figure out what event to go to or not - to watching late night porn and browsing the internet.

Today, I got called to work for the weekend. I still kept my plan to go out late night Saturday. Why do I bother going out? Simply, I want to be the social person I used to be. To have a mile long contact list of people. To head out to house parties. I want to be ME. Somehow, my natural talents and day job have lead me to an environment with a bunch of introverts that have 0 interest in going out or socializing. I wish I was back in college and could do things over again. Actually, I wish I could start over in highschool and actually pay attention to the development of the bullshit games people "in the real world" play on each other.

Yes, I do regret my 'sheltered' life. I use sheltered there in quotes because I wasn't really sheltered. No, I lost my rose colored glasses early and have faced some of the most fucked up shit people in this country will have to deal with. Mine is not a problem of innocence, it's a problem of culture. So, measuring my progress - family (check), friends (nope), romantic interests (nope). I've managed, in a year's time, adopted family and some fucked up acquaintances.

The development of friends has seen slow but steady progress. Romantic partners? Well, fuck that. Frankly, I don't know what I want anymore. I'm just sick of women in general. Period.

My brother is currently in a relationship with a girl that won't admit to realizing how pussy whipped he is. It's disgusting. She controls every last thing about him. Might as well cut off his balls and put them on the mantel. She's become something of his fucking mom, and she, funny little bitch, tries to do the same thing to me.

Then, it's always nice when women I know go after other women I know. It doesn't matter about women, if you know 2 women, and they know each other, they WILL be catty bitches when discussing the other when they aren't present.

Then there's the "you can never win an argument with a woman" women. These are the type that I give a frustrated "yes MOM" to when they open their mouths. Because that's what they think they are. Or the 'princess' type who have had everything handed to them. They want a man with a paycheck so they can bankrupt him and move on.

I joke about 'going out for tail/etc...', but, I'm so fed up with things, that it's more of a self-forced "night out to stay social so I don't end up the creepy old dude". So, I go out, and have lovely experiences -

The "here's my non-number" - or the girl that doesn't have guts enough to tell you she isn't interested. Also known, as a game playing bitch.

The insecure chic that goes out, picks a guy, and spends the night "claiming" him from other girls just to make herself be the alpha female. She has no real interest in doing anything, and if she does, you probably don't want to touch her anyway.

The bachelorette party. Because EVERY bride wears the same 'suck a candy for $1' shirt, complete with dildo necklaces, and bitchy friends. "We don't want boys around because this is a girl's night thing," said by one of the bitch friends when not dancing with her, just nearby... First off, if she saw my cock, she'd know I'm not a fucking boy. No way the sub 5 foot whore could take the whole thing. Second, I'm asking for a god damn dance, not sex and a wedding ring. Girl, you ain't that hot, go fuck yourself with that dildo you're wearing around your neck. I'm glad you're friend's getting married, cause that's one less bitch to deal with.

The game sucks. It turns otherwise normal people into desperate losers, while the people that made it through give out the "don't worry be happy" fortune cookie bullshit. I'm sick of it all, I used to be able to fake a good time, but I can't even do that anymore. I've been to places that I "knew" where fun, but the fun is gone. And this is AFTER I decide that the purpose of going out is not for pickup...

So yea, fuck romance, 'cause there ain't anyone sane left on the market.

I just want to have fun and be around people while I start my new life, is that so much to ask?

I know that I've made a lot of progress over the past year, but I look at where I was before I left the cult, where I am now, and where I want to be - and feel like a god damn failure.

Say it ain't so....

2007-12-16T15:01:00.000-06:00

The Chiefs....

I picked the wrong year to start following Football again.

Yes, we suck.

Deeply Disturbed...

2007-12-11T01:27:00.000-06:00

Today I just finished a long conversation about the problems of a young woman. Normally, the heartaches of a late teen wouldn't bother me, but this was different. It was different because it wasn't just her story I was hearing, it was mine. And unlike mine, her story is nowhere near a happy ending. Indeed, hearing it has brought me to the stark and difficult realization that my story is by no means unique. And the even more sobering thought, it is that this is a story that often doesn't end well.

To hear that someone is being medicated for psychiatric issues is difficult. To know that those issues are being exacerbated by circumstance? To know that Doctors need to be made aware of these issues? South Park used dark comedy to show a facility meant to cure gays resulting in suicide. But this dark comedy is REAL. Today, I heard the cry for help of a young girl, on medication, viewed as mentally unstable. Leaving the Church nearly killed me. Literally. If it wasn't for an online community, that would listen to me yell, and shout, and cry, .... I know beyond any shadow of doubt I would be dead today. But through whatever providence, luck, or chance, or fate - I fell into the hands of good and caring people that lifted me up. Today, I am a respected engineer at one of the leading technology companies in the world. I like to think, that as I work at my job, I make people's lives better. That I contribute to society.

But, what about the people that didn't have that hand? What if I hadn't have had the blind luck to fall upon people that would open their homes?

I shudder with the sad knowledge that my life would be relegated to a statistic. One more young college student, socially maladjusted, a loner, problems with parents, good, conservative parents. Life was too much for him, so he killed himself. The obituary would call the death a tragedy - so much potential cut short. The parents would cry. The media might make a mention on one of their "stress of youth in today's world" pieces. All because there wasn't someone there. I don't have to imagine much here, because such obituaries have already been written.

This news today has awakened me once again. I can not sit by and watch while lives are destroyed and lost. If you have followed this blog, you'd know that leaving the Church for me has been an emotional roller coaster. Recently, the questions keep popping up in my head - who am I? What is my moral code? Where do I claim that this code comes from? How do I want to live? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? In working to leave the Church, I became something of a blank slate. No answers, but lots of questions.

I do not know the answers to any of those yet, but I do know, that under whatever moral code I have, it is my obligation to use my knowledge and experience to help those in my situation before. Someone needs to fight for people just starting out in life, the young adults out there.

We have a President that has selected a Surgeon General that has described being gay as a disease. And then we wonder why gay teens kill themselves? Even the most conservative of churches teach love thy neighbor. Don't they?

Here's what Jehovah's Witnesses have to say in an article dealing with Suicide, in the subheading, "No More Youthful Deaths":

Many youths who were once at risk have come to understand that drug abuse and immoral life-styles are nothing but a long and winding road to death, to which suicide is but a shortcut. They have come to realize that this world, with its wars, hatred, abusive behavior, and loveless ways, will soon pass away. They have learned that this world system is beyond redemption. They have taken to heart that God's Kingdom is the only real hope, for it will usher in a new world where not only youths but all obedient mankind will never have to die—no, nor even want to die anymore.

Is it any wonder that these sentiments lead to mass murder? Imagine what a young 21 year old has to think reading that, with their faith in doubt already. That particular Church would argue that suicide doesn't happen there. But they'd be lying.

So now, I face the very real question yet again - what can I do? It is time to draw a line in the sand, to lend a hand, and to speak out and make the medical community, political leaders, and public aware of the issues. For now, I write, but I think more can be done.

Really pissed off....

2007-12-10T18:17:00.000-06:00

I'd say it was my own stupidity, but on some level, we shouldn't HAVE to be "smart". I left a piece of equipment in my car and this was the result:

I sometimes got lazy and placed the thing in my glove box instead of taking it in - but there are two parts - the mount, and the actual GPS unit. I never bothered messing with the mount. On the bright side, I think this qualifies as a 'first scratch'. I can rest easy now! The suck thing is that this is throwing my plans for the "adopt a child" Christmas gift program.

So, if the asshat that cracked my window is reading (and you probably aren't): I hope you're happy nuking the christmas hopes of a little kid. Fuck you, and I hope you get capped for selling a non-working GPS system to someone (cause that's exactly what you stole).

I will probably do the angle tree anyway, but just one kid instead of two - it really depends on how well the whole repair process goes with the insurance company. The (REAL) bright side of this all, is that I've gotten to see how cool my coworkers and friend's are by their response and readiness to help.

Joyful Solstice, Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays!

Beware the pointer! Arrays vs. Pointers

2007-12-03T19:16:00.000-06:00

It's been a long time since one of those 'fundamental' programming ideas bit me. Thankfully, it happened on one of my personal projects, so I didn't reveal to anyone my stupidity.

Errrr... Damn.

Anyway, here was my header file:
extern unsigned int *vectors;

And, here was my (equivalent) .C file:
unsigned int vectors[512];

I was actually mixing languages here. In writing the header, I fell into the trap of thinking pointers are equivalent to arrays. They aren't. The C language creates confusion here because it let's us use array syntax with pointers, and arrays can turn into pointers. We can illustrate this very clearly -

Example 1 .....
char array[15] = { 0 };
printf("%x\n", (unsigned long) array);
printf("%x\n", (unsigned long) &array);
.....

versus

Example 2 .....
char *array = 0;
printf("%x\n", (unsigned int) array );
printf("%x\n", (unsigned int) &array );
.....

Take a look at the output of both programs, and you'll see the exact difference between arrays and pointers. An array without an index is nothing more than a constant pointing to the memory address the array starts at. In a very real way, it doesn't 'exist' as an array, just as a convenience for a block of memory. Here's the breakdown, with this declaration:

char array[15] -

array - is defined as a constant with a value of the address of the start of the array
&array - is the address of the first element

Using an array is a lot like using a statically defined memory address -
char* my_ptr = (char*) 0xB8000;

Arrrggghhhhhhh

2007-12-01T23:42:00.000-06:00

Well, after a fairly cool day, I get home with a fecking headache. I've been having headaches for a couple weeks now. I thought it was just the crud I had, but the cough/congestion has been going away and the headache hasn't. Today, I get home, and have the thought - "errr, glasses?"

I used to wear glasses until I passed the eye test for my license. My vision uncorrected is actually very good (20/20 to 20/40 depending on the day), but I have a astigmatism.

Well, I put on the glasses that I haven't worn for damn near a year, and IMMEDIATELY my headache starts going away.

Damn.

I think the problem is that I do a lot of driving at night, when my eyes are tired after the day. So, looks like I'm going to have to start wearing the frames again, at least for night driving.

I never made peace with wearing glasses, and so, putting them back on kindof sucks. But on the bright side, the migraine like headache will go away....

Maybe I can buy some cool frames to make me even more sexy.. :D

Go Go Gadget Astrology!

2007-11-30T00:34:00.001-06:00

Lets101 - Online Free Dating

Wow, a bit close to home...

2007-11-23T22:49:00.000-06:00

Went browsing xkcd, found this gem:

http://xkcd.com/314/

I cry for the world...

2007-11-21T00:04:00.000-06:00

... when a government the US supports does things like this:

http://edition.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/11/17/saudi.rape.victim/index.html

I am at a loss for words. Why are we dealing with these people?

I sometimes wonder what the world would be like if someone went back and time and shot Abraham before he started the madness that is Islam, Christianity, and Judaism. Then again, time has shown if we aren't going to kill each other over religion, it'll be some other random ideology. It'd be nice if we were actually killing over something with substance though, and not which prophet was correct or what the best Holy book is/was.

Church for the Secular Humanist?

2007-11-18T09:50:00.000-06:00

Well, it's an interesting thing for me, leaving the cult, and trying to 'strike it out' on my own. It's nice to be able to manage my own time, make my own decisions, think for myself. No longer do I have to feel guilty about my research on Genetic Algorithms and their applications in computer science. No longer do I have to worry about converting people, or the amount of time I've spent out in the ministry. No longer do I have to feel guilty about watching R rated movies, drinking, or sexual behavior.

So, I have a lot more freedom.

Now, while I am not an 'atheist', at least as defined by the American Atheists (a definition, which I feel aids fundamentalist Christian arguments and damages other real atheists), I am also not religious. I do have faith in things 'more' out there, not material or physical. That said, I have little desire to join a religious group. I have even less desire to look at a group for an every Sunday type religious experience. Indeed, the whole idea leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But, part of me does miss the sense of community that I had when I was a member of a Church.

It seems that the skeptics community has given so much attention to arguing and fighting against the religious groups, that one of the major aspects of religion - the church - has gone unnoticed. Are regular group meetings good things? If not based on fluffy bunnies, faeries, and invisible men, what should communities be based on? Should their be ritual at these gatherings? What would the meeting be like? And, if you started doing this, what would keep it from being a religion, or would it be a religion just by virtue of doing it? After all, at it's most basic, religion doesn't require any supernatural belief.

In all honesty, I think most churches are so busy preaching various messages, that they forget one of the critical aspects that led to the importance of the church in a community in the first place - the town gathering.

I don't think there's any valid way to say that individuals have grown past the need for socialization. At our most basic roots, we are social beings. And, I feel, a culture that resists and suppresses desires for human interaction invites mental illness, education nightmares, and societal breakdown.

So right now, all I have is questions, hopefully time will give some answers.

Viacom - time to pay up

2007-11-16T20:23:00.000-06:00

Three cheers for the writers!

Thanks Keith for the link.

Political Correctness Run Amok

2007-11-15T00:30:00.000-06:00

Personally, I find the blatant commercialism around religious holidays somewhat disturbing. Not so much because of the commercialism, but because how much it reveals our consumerist nature. The old American Ideal of creativity and creation has been replaced with 'buy now, but more'. Now, if you pushed me to identify my religion, I'd say 'none' - and if you REALLY pressed for 'where I stand', I might tell you either Pagan or Humanist, depending on my mood.

On a basic level, I do think it's proper to at least respect other people's beliefs though.

And hence, as one of the non-Christian variety (well, maybe less Christian, depending on the time of day and phase of the moon), might I just say that I find the actions of stores like Lowe's, well, .... stupid?

What am I talking about? Take a look at lowes.com. Enter on the page "Christmas" for a product search... Now, see anything other than relatively decent priced items?

Wait for it...

Look closer...

You will discover, that the vast majority of items do not contain the word "Christmas". Now, to be fair to Lowes, I would wager that this very possibly is a reflection of the brand of trees/items they are selling and not of Lowes management (unless these are all House brands).

Even on days when I want to throw away all semblance of religion/faith in my life, I still find the idea of Holidays and celebrating past culture of inherent value. Christmas, if nothing else, can be a time of remembering the good of giving, the joy of family, the perils of overeating turkey, the annoyance of spoiled children, and the fact that family best belongs within at least a 2 hour driving distance...

At one point, my religious beliefs held that Christmas was not to be celebrated as it was an evil pagan holiday, which resulted in the deaths of many puppies and other small furry animals. I grimaced every time someone said Happy Christmas. I grew annoyed at the constant holiday songs and cheer.

Now, I welcome the Holiday, even if I am not a vanilla Christian. At what point do we stop asking for reason and become unreasonable ourselves? I'd argue it's the point at which we start trying to rewire culture for the sake of rewiring culture. I don't see people trying to rename the months of the year or the names of the planets to not reflect their cultural origins.

And, at this point, I really must ask, who exactly are retailers trying to cater to by calling it a "Holiday Tree"? What market share is gained? What stops me as a pagan, or follower of Cthulhu, or the flying spaghetti monster, from buying a Christmas tree and calling it what I want? Answer: nothing.

The real thing that's gained by calling it a "Holiday Tree"? Another cause for Christian idiots to point to about the 'War Against Christianity'. Not to overly cliched, but can't we all just get along?

Though, I will admit, part of me wants to put out an ad selling "Winter Solstice Trees", and see what type of replies I get...

I know what I'm voting based on...

2007-11-10T13:26:00.000-06:00

Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

Smart people sure can be stupid...

2007-11-07T07:43:00.000-06:00

Article says overweight people live longer

Anyone see a problem with this article? Maybe buried somewhere deep inside?

We have group A of statistical data that says weight range A is optimal.

We have group B of statistical data that says weight range B is optimal.

Groups A and B conflict.

And I can't find where anyone asks the most valid question: if both data sets are accurate could it be the model that is inaccurate?

See article on fate percentage:
http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/body-fat-measurement?page=2

Maybe doctor's could stop being idealogical snobs and consider that they might have been wrong about the whole BMI thing?

Commentary on a news article:

2007-11-05T22:44:00.001-06:00

Title: Mum Aged 22 dies for Jehovah
Article: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article427045.ece

Commentary:
Fuck.

Chemistry Sets...

2007-11-03T16:06:00.000-05:00

...

Back in yonder days of lore, my father purchased for me, a chemistry set. These were strange things, sold way back when, that let you mix chemicals to see "nifty stuff". All kinds of prearranged experiments. With a chemistry set like mine, you could do "cool shit" like make gun powder.

Well, I recently read an article about the endangered chemistry set. Thinking about it, I haven't seen them in stores for a long while. Going to a high school science fair will tell you a lot about the status of our country. I recall (very vividly, I might add), being told that if I made one of the classic 'volcanos' that I would fail. Now, that's about the highest level you get.

Even worse, I have seen 'computer science' science fair projects, the sum total of which amounted to purchasing various hardware components and building a computer. I could respect that, if it weren't for the fact that these hardware components were designed to be put together with a minimum of effort. When did a department store bookshelf EVER count for a shop project?

But, it's not only the forces of consumerism damaging the chemistry set, it's the government as well. Why would the government not want people purchasing these things? Well, 2 reasons:

1. The War on Terror
2. The War on Drugs

Yes folks, the little $80 chemistry sets with small amounts of dangerous chemicals can be used to manufacture drugs and explosives! Nevermind, we are talking about the same amount as a single sparkler or maybe a single pill of drugs. Forget the fact that a drug dealer would have to purchase a shop full of these things to get quantity. And just think, we are saving lives (or at least injuries!!!!) to children.

To quote a John Stossel, give me a break.

An unrecognized casualty of the wars on terror and drugs, our repression of experimentation, curiosity, and ingenuity strikes at the heart of the forces that propelled America ahead during the 20th century. By not allowing a youth to experiment and 'be a nerd', we are relegating the future of this country to that of a third rate has-been. Intelligence and curiosity, like so many other things, has become a packaged commodity.

It's funny, to watch a movie like October Sky, or read Rocket Boys, and realize that the creative spirit and drive there exhibited is no longer tolerated in our country. Being out in the work force, for a different industry, I never saw the damage done to the home experimenter.

Links:
http://12angrymen.wordpress.com/2007/10/31/endangered-species-the-chemistry-set/
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/14.06/chemistry.html

The Song of my life

2007-10-30T00:10:00.000-05:00

So, for whatever reason, I've been in a writing mood lately. The move and the current family crises have seen to that. Oddly enough, a lot has me thinking lately. And this is as good a place as any to "think out loud", even if I risk being heard. As I sat at the piano today, I realized something interesting had happened to me as a musician. Indeed, it occurs to me that my time as a musician describes my life well.

For so much of my childhood, and into my teen years, I was trained in classical piano. Every note, every detail defined. My piano teachers were the strict type with quick rulers that slapped hands. I never excelled at it. Indeed, I felt myself to be average. I would sit, and force myself through a religious song, or maybe a piece of classical music. And, I'd work with the metronome. I never could keep the steady beat of the music. I never quiet "got" the sound of the classics.

And yet, I had a passion for it. I lived in a strange world, sitting and playing the piano. Music flowing from one of the most grand instruments. But it lacked ... soul. An interesting thing, a person so passionate about playing music, but who's music lacks feeling and warmth. Indeed, I didn't realize it at the time but I worked actively to remove it. If it wasn't on the page I didn't play it - or at least, I tried. I felt a failure because I would change the beat, slow down where I felt the need for a change, or swing the half beat notes. I tried to fit the mold of what I thought was 'right': all within detail, everything as written, no thinking for myself.

And seeing people 'break' the rules and 'fake it' pissed me off. They weren't working as hard as I was to follow the vision of the songwriter. I tried to fit into my image of a classical pianist. But I didn't fit. I didn't realize that the image in my head was wrong.

I never learned to fit into that classical world. But, people did recognize something different in me. The last piano teacher I had, sometime my second year in college, wanted me to learn. He played at baseball stadiums and concert halls. He sat me down with some beginner sheet music, removed the left hand part, gave me rules, and told me to make it up. I felt insulted, being told to 'fake it'. Because clearly I had no talent. Little did I realize that this teacher was complimenting me on my ability. My feeling. The very thing I was trying to remove.

I quit not long after, and stopped playing piano. At first, it was a slow process, I would stay away, then maybe play a song or two. Before long though, I couldn't remember the last time I played. A part of me died then. The thing I was most passionate about left.

The funny thing, looking at it now, is that my 'spiritual life' followed the same pattern. I went to the Church, followed all the rules I could, and did my best to fit in. The years I 'dedicated my life' or went into special efforts of increased service, I was also most serious about playing the piano. And when the music stopped, my faith did something of the same as well.

It wasn't just my faith either. I lived through the majority of college doing nothing more than going back and forth between destinations in a perfunctory act of existence. I had given up with the notion of trying to fit in. In a very real way, I was in prison - not allowed to explore the multitude of things I desired. Forbidden friends. Forbidden sex. Forbidden passion. Forbidden the ability to ask who I thought God was. Indeed, who I thought I was. My faith kept me in a situation with no way to break out. My finances tied up because of church service. No friends because of church beliefs. In the end, I had nothing to live for.

The music stopped.

Eventually a final call of sanity pushed me to the edge of collapse. My mind had no idea how to react to the prison I had created for it, so I began to fool myself. I listened to people that told me I was crazy, mentally ill. In all reality, I probably was. But, this wasn't an illness caused by delusions, it was an illness caused by recognition of truth. Eventually, the day that changed my life forever happened. I realized that I didn't have to stay in prison. I realized, that very real freedom existed outside the bounds of the Church. For the first time in my life, I was sane. And, in that one instant, I had what can only be described as conversion. For the first time in my life, I had faith. I did not know in what or who or how, but I knew it was there.

Of course, I still lived in prison. My living situation did not allow for this freedom - but it was there, in my head. I began to have interests again. And while, I didn't play the piano yet, I took the time to find my music books. I wanted again.

Eventually, I would meet several wonderful people. People that would take my hand, and pull me up and out of prison. As I came to Kansas City for the first time, I didn't realize I would call it home. I didn't realize the storm that would come. I just knew I needed to escape.

And escape I did.

Within the first few weeks of leaving my old home, music began to flow again. It was odd, playing piano. The notes and keys felt so unfamiliar. I had lost a lot of time. No longer could I scale up and down the piano effortlessly. I lost the robotic dexterity. Friends overheard, they said they liked what they heard. Before long, I tried out for a part in a musical. The music director told me the strangest thing then: something I never realized:

"You play with so much feeling, you really are a pianist and not just a player"

What is this? I didn't get how someone could say such a thing about my inept music. When I started working and got on my feet, I practiced more and more at the piano. And then, for some strange reason, I pulled out the 1st year book the teacher so long ago had given me.

I would try again, to remove the notes, and "Fake it". It felt strange, like riding a bike for the first time. I knew the rules, the chord structure, but the notes were no longer there. What was I to do without every last detail arranged for me?

I never realized it until a few days ago, that I now spend more time improvising and creating than practicing the written page. Indeed, I no longer have to force myself to improvise, and instead, have to force myself to read so I can learn new melodies and technique. I no longer work to master a given piece of music, but instead to learn new sounds and creations.

Oddly enough, even having to work at relearning technique - something I am nowhere near doing (most of my technical music is still far beyond my current ability) - I am a much better classical pianist. I never realized that part of classical music, an important part, is interpretation. Even when every note is out there, you must inject feeling into the song. It was an odd thing, in the middle of a piece by Debussy, to have this feeling that I knew what he was going to do next - like the soul of the long past musician was whispering in my ear. And that feeling happens more and more often as I continue to practice.

And so, what does one do without every part of their life written, categorized, labeled, and predetermined?

They live.

I sometimes laugh as people notice me, looking at the world with the eyes of someone so young, as if seeing everything for the first time. Some people go through their entire life without ever seeing anything. So, I celebrate this week, my second birthday. Because it is now 2 years since that rainy October day of conversion. October will be a special month for me always. You see, I started to live on October 22.

Go Go Earth Based Religion

2007-10-28T19:24:00.000-05:00

So, I woke up in something of a mood tonight. Last night, I went out, celebrated, danced, had a cute girl gyrate against me, got really drunk, had a hang over cure, and crashed on the bed. This morning, I woke up at around noon, stayed in bed for an hour, then got up and walked over to pick up my car parked about a mile down the road.

So, I'm walking down, and enjoying absolutely *FANTASTIC* weather. Low 60's, with a very slight breeze. I'm wearing a denim jacket. Just a tinge of bite to the air, but the sun is shining so it feels warm. I take a turn into a residential neighborhood. The area is quiet, a few kids riding backs, but car noises from the main road are at minimum. The breeze blows the trees and the bushes, and I realize...

Damn, it's a nice day out, I should take walks more often.

I had promised myself to visit a local pagan group, to get a feel for what the "earth based" faith was all about. I've been once before, but I realized walking there, feeling in touch with nature and all, that it was Halloween, a very important time for pagans, and more than likely, they had some ceremony going on tonight. I smile, breath in the autumn air, and think "Why not?"

Of course, the old fundi in me at this time is protesting, "Nooooo don't go to the demon infested pile, you'll have your dishes levitate and clatter". I brush the old aside, and hit the web to discover that they are indeed doing a Halloween service. Yay! I head out, intending to get there a bit early, but am sad to discover that for some mystical reason my alarm clock was running an HOUR EARLY. Oh well, I decide to head in anyway, and walk up to the door of the small church area rented by the group.

I walk in, and nervously wait outside a set of open doors, somewhat scared to interrupt whatever ceremony that's going on. The Witnesses told me I was doomed for going, I don't want to mess with this nature deity as well - I'd be fucked on 2 counts then. One of the 'ushers' (for lack of a better term), motions me to enter and take a seat.

My immediate impression is that I'm in something of a Dungeons and Dragons religion. A blond gentlemen holds a large sword, asking people what they are doing to make the world better.

As I sit, the man faces me, sword in hand. "What service do you bring this Earth?"

I feel a strange desire to stand up and shout - "I am Andrew, King of the Kansas Citians, and I seek the Holy Grail." I decide to err on the side of caution though, figuring the guy DOES have a fucking sword on him, and I'm only armed with a jacket... So, I answer that I am a seeker of truth that desires to help others.

The sworded gentleman seems to respect my answer and bids me to enter the circle to be marked. I enter, and manage to lean down enough for a shorter lady to smear some blue paste on my face.

At this point, I'm rather disappointed by the lack of child sacrifice, beating human hearts being ripped out of chests, and positively no sex or nudity. Damn. As the lady smears the paste, she informs me that I can place something on the center altar/table thing to be blessed. I figure why not, I brought one of my decorative pieces of marble figuring this sort of thing would happen.

I place it on the altar.

Damn, I'm sure I'll have to burn that now, but wait.... fuck.... of course it won't burn if it's demon possessed. (Being stone might also make it be a bit difficult.. What was I supposed to do, oh yea, "God save my rock, protect me from the demons...")

Back in D&D mode.

Wow, the gifted Oracle of the center circle placed paste of constitution +5 on my face!

Back to fundi mode.

"God above, please protect me from this evil place"

New turn, liberal mode.

"Wow, this is actually pretty neat, a group getting together and encouraging individualism and free expression"

Wow, fundi mode happening again

"They are all going to be destroyed by God for their heathen ways"

Back to D&D mode

"I wonder if the +5 constitution paste will aid against McDonald's hamburger of Doom with -10 hp per turn."

Liberal mode

"You know, this is actually fairly cool, fuck off fundi and D&D"

The ceremony goes on for a while, I'm sitting the back, more passive observing, because I want to run if anything from the Exorcist starts happening. At the end, they pass around a chalice of whiskey

"Shit, I knew there was something to this pagan thing after all!"

The ceremony closes and I'm bid to pick up the rock I placed to be blessed.

"Wooooooohooooooooooooooooooooo, I have a rock +5 ward off evil" Damn, went into D&D mode again.

Honestly, I don't think it helped several people were wearing Halloween costumes.

Well, I *assume* that's what they were.

Ok, I have to go back next week to find out.

I can see the appeal of this particular faith path. People in these religions are generally good with whatever faith you take, after all, they have to face the social malice of not being of a given faith. And, there are a lot of different opinions as to what these nature based religions actually involved and so on.

The group was accepting, and the members I talked to actually had a strong belief system. It just happened that each of them was very personal to that individual.

And while I joke and kid about the clothing and so on, other faiths where uniforms that haven't changed for a lot longer. Who's to say a kilt and sword is any stranger than a priestly vestment and cross? I have a feeling the kilt and sword is a lot more ancient and traditional anyway.

In the event that my dishes develop minds of their own, or any number of evil things start to happen, I'll be sure to post back here. Until then, I don't know if I agree with this faith, but I do think it's at least worth respecting people that have chosen it - in the very least, they're creative.

I'm guessing that the claims of -5 ward of evil and +5 ward off evil claims of my prior faith and this recent ceremony cancel out and leave my rock, still, just a rock...

Or do they?

Please not Hillary....

2007-10-22T23:46:00.000-05:00

I didn't really want to go here, but the news keeps coming in that Hillary is leading all the polls - for the primary, for the election.

For the love of $#@* Democrats, WHY HILLARY?

From someone truly not sure if his 2008 ballot will have a bubble next to a Democrat or Republican, why... why... why... WHY?!?!?!??!??!?!

Oh fuck me.

I don't want the same tired, partisan, politics run by a two face former white house inmate. At the end of the day, I guess it's time to realize - We don't pick the candidates. I don't buy the grand conspiracy theory, no sense making life more complicated than it is. But the sad truth is, the idealists never make it that far....

Life was easier when I didn't care about politics. Sad thing is, Hillary is probably one of the best out of the lot. New blood in the whitehouse? Never!

Here's hoping for someone I can feel slightly less dirty about voting for.

Funny!

2007-10-21T23:17:00.000-05:00

You Are a Ghost

Mysterious, independent, and often unseen - you always do things your own way.
You are introverted, shy, and even a little secretive.
People are dying to know you better, but you're a difficult person to know.
A lot of your contributions to the world are left invisible and unfelt.

Your greatest power: Blending in really well

Your greatest weakness: Being too passive

You play well with: Witches

What Kind of Monster Are You?

Kid Nation - WTF?

2007-10-14T21:23:00.000-05:00

Has anyone been following this show?

I find it deeply disturbing. Not the so called exploitation of children, or the low number of adults around, but...

The blatant messages about the irresponsible use of alcohol

I don't know know if the producers of the show are attempting to make a point here. Or if this is just bad management, or encouragement... Or maybe, they are just behaving like their parents.

I like drinking. On my birthday, I went out with friends. Substantial amounts of alcohol and huge bar tab were involved. I do shots. I do strong mixed drinks. I do beer.

Still seeing impressionable preteens sitting at a "soda bar" drinking their troubles away. Doing "soda shots"... The faux party atmosphere. Seeing kids do it? Well, it's like hearing about 10 year olds giving each other blowjobs. Nothing wrong with the act, but, it's not yet time. Throwing these concepts at children invites all levels of crap as they grow up - alcoholism, etc... I really have to question a show on which I can see a 12 and 14 year olds doing shots. That they do them (near) correctly, well... it's bothersome.

As a society we need to develop some balance and show healthy drinking and partying. Going out partying and drinking and fun? It's cool until it bleeds over and starts interfering with living. Are we predisposing youth to a life of alcoholism when they go to a soda bar to 'drink away their problems'? What happens when the sugar water is replaced by something more potent?

F*** Electronic Arts

2007-10-13T00:34:00.000-05:00

So, Electronic Arts is the company behind much of PC gaming. They have an odd habit of buying up good game companies, and then leaching the name and developers to death, but that's not really what this is about. A recent flap has started about EA's move to SecuRom with the latest version of the Sims.

What does SecuRom have to do with anything? Well, on it's most basic level, SecuRom is a utility that makes it difficult to copy a CD in a usable form. And with that, EA is now installing 3rd party software without notifying users. This isn't exactly uncommon, most major vendors use one copy protection scheme or another. But, installing these tools is, I would argue, is unethical.

SecuROM is manufactured by a subsidiary of a company that has already revealed it has no qualms about installing harmful software on customer's computers: Sony. In 2005, Sony distributed music CDs, that if placed in the user's computer, would install software opening the user to remote access.

For a recounting of the Sony root kit scandal, check out Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2005_Sony_BMG_CD_copy_prevention_scandal

The companies would argue that this software protects their revenue stream. I wonder how - copy protection software like this CAN and IS circumvented.

If you really wanted, any of the major games out there have been "hacked" to run already, or you can follow directions to make low level copies (the limitation being that you can't use those copies in a CDR drive..) So, if I want an illegal copy of the Sims, I can download it - provided I don't mind dealing with a few less than reputable groups. One might note, that as copyright infringement is ALREADY illegal, not much changed.

Which, begs the question, why does EA use this software?

The 'kind' answer is that management has its head up its ass. In any case, I can't escape the simple truth that 99.9% of users won't be able to make and use backup copies of game disks with this software, and that means if the CD is drawn on with a permanent marker by the toddler, or eaten by the dog, etc... they'll be stuck paying for a replacement disk (and dealing with EA directly), or (more likely) just heading to the store and buying another copy of the game. So,

Companies should be required to do 2 things -

#1 - Companies should not be allowed to install software on your computer that you don't know about - PERIOD. SecuROM, SafeDisk, et al are only the tip of the iceberg here. The problem has gotten so bad, that Microsoft and other companies, now provide tools to remove the software that other companies bundle with their apps, and install, not letting you know.

#2 - The packaging of software - IE, the box - should be required to include a clear marker that indicates what additional software that would be installed.

In all reality, while the low level nature of SecuROM can cause serious problems for your computer (leading even to a reinstall), it usually works just fine. The more disturbing thing to me, is that companies see the need to include this software when it's been proven ineffective against the people it's "defending" against anyway.

The disgusting thing here, is that Electronic Arts, and Sony, are removing a basic grant from the same copyright laws that they are using to license and prevent unauthorized distribution -

US CODE 117 -

(a) Making of Additional Copy or Adaptation by Owner of Copy.— Notwithstanding the provisions of section 106, it is not an infringement for the owner of a copy of a computer program to make or authorize the making of another copy or adaptation of that computer program provided:

(1) that such a new copy or adaptation is created as an essential step in the utilization of the computer program in conjunction with a machine and that it is used in no other manner, or

(2) that such new copy or adaptation is for archival purposes only and that all archival copies are destroyed in the event that continued possession of the computer program should cease to be rightful.

Of course, the DMCA effectively voids that portion of the law...

In the end though, I'm glad that some people are getting it - there is a reason why the honor system works. So now, we see one of the primary advocates of this kind of technology, the music industry, selling music files on Amazon.com and Apple iTunes without any lock downs.

Come on, EA, shouldn't you be ahead of the old farts in suits? I thought you were supposed to be cool...

Still, life continues on as usual, and this will probably be disregarded as just another nerd's rant anyway....

An anti-drug campaign I can get behind...

2007-10-07T19:28:00.000-05:00

Edit: left out the link: http://www.myspace.com/heroindiaries

If you've followed the trend in education, we spend a lot of money on anti-drug programs. Programs like DARE, actually place police officers in the schools, where they talk about drugs and how bad they are for you.

And it's never enough. For some reason, kids are still going out, doing drugs. Looking at these anti-drug campaigns, we see one failure after another. The only question is as to the size and magnitude of that failure.

So, why now, am I encouraging yet another campaign?

Well, in all honesty, it isn't really an anti-drug campaign. It is simply a man telling the stories of the cost of addiction in his life - a life that many young teenage boys dream about.

I'm talking of course, about "The Heroin Diaries". Listening on the radio, you can hear the soundtrack to the book - but the book itself is much more potent - and gets at the real reason why these campaigns fail -

We are so busy creating reasons not to do drugs, that we loose the obvious truths associated around drug use.

Because, in the end, the truth is most drugs are not nearly as harmful as a Dare officer might point out. Even still, if we look behind the scenes at some basic realities, there is so much to say that doesn't require exageration.

Kids are smart, and sometimes, maybe all they need are the facts without the preaching.

So, more power to the Heroin Diaries - which I believe will do more to keep kids out of a very dark world than all the rhetoric about drugs are bad for you...

So, self-hatred is popular now...

2007-08-19T11:43:00.000-05:00

All right folks, I'm still trying to figure this out. Why is it popular to hate where you live?

I'm at work, having a conversation about my move here from Dallas, and why I like Kansas City a lot more than Dallas. Just a couple things I've observed while living here - less traffic, etc... And up comes the local self-hater. "Yeah, you might THINK traffic here is better than in Dallas, but just wait until something closes..."

I can understand the occasional "I live in misery" joke, but honestly people... Spoken by an immigrant into this area - if you don't like where you live, MOVE THE $@*& OUT. Kansas city is a great place to live. The climate here is temperate compared to Dallas or Houston - don't tell me about heat + humidity until you've been near Houston or had a nice wave of moisture from the coast come over when the temperature outside is already well above 100, without a "heat index".

I don't get people who just complain and bitch for the sake of complaining and bitching. If you want to be politically active by getting the word about REAL issues - then you are acting as a positive force. But frankly, I'm really tired of people dogging Kansas City just because they live here.

It's not just a Kansas City thing either, when I was in Dallas, people used to love to bitch about how much Dallas sucked. I really wonder how people make it through life, always hating everything about it. Maybe they love to hate?

Would I go back?

2007-08-18T15:45:00.000-05:00

This question has raised itself a few times recently. Would I return to the religion that I left? It's a tricky question for me, because there is so much emotional baggage attached. There are times, I wake up, and I actually do feel inclined to put on a suit, and head to a Sunday morning meeting. Over the year, those times have reduced, but it still does occasionally happen. One of my friends recently stated to me, that they couldn't be involved romantically with an ex-member because of the fear they would have about them going back. I must admit, at times I have had this same fear in people I've been involved with.

But, would I go back?

It's a funny thing, my answer to that question has remained the same: No. However, my answer to the follow up "Why" question has.

Previously, my answer would have likely been some gibberish about doctrine, or child molestation, or blood transfusions, or the issues with biblical contradictions in the literature. But, when that question was so recently posed, those prior things never even came up.

Some things in life act as ground for you. That ground is a part of your life that you can look back at, and use to chart your course in the future. These are the things that our personal compass works off. A well grounded person has benchmarks that aren't trivial. They are solid fixtures around them. When making a decision about faith and God and who you want to be in life, the ground for that decision must be strong for that decision to be meaningful.

When I first came to Kansas City, a 23 year old boy, my ground was barely tangible. The reason why I couldn't go back? It just didn't seem right to be there. The arguments I could make in regards to the Bible and prophecy and all, did have solid facts around them. But, argument can easily convince people of things that are less than factual - and denial can work in to cause one to reject things they thought to be true. Sitting on a guest room bed that first night, the world spun around me, and I longed for the comforting embrace of familiarity inside the walls of my former church. I sobbed myself to sleep.

A lot changed after that night, and over the year that followed. I faced my father, and in doing so, I feel, grew into adulthood. I left home, worked, played, 'fell in love', made friends, did some stupid things, did some smart things, saw people, enjoyed new experiences, and made solid memories. As I did this all, I never realized how I was changing as a person, and the new things I was using to make judgments.

Why would I not come back today?

The first thing to come to mind is not some explanation of the Bible, some random fact about archeology or history, some piece of trivia. The first things that came to mind?

A (now) 4 year old boy, seeing me in the front door and shouting "Anwooo". Then, lunch on a Sunday after a 45 minute drive to see a newlywed couple. A phone call with the mother of that same 4 year old boy, and smart ass comments by her husband. A party for a friend moving into his newly purchased house. A wedding and all the guests that came. "My first love" with a strong and passionate woman. Christmas dinner with a coworker. Going to an Indian (near Pakistan India) Birthday party and watching the amazing mix of American and foreign cultures.

I look at these things, and they give me a much clearer view of the world around me. I once wrote that the perfect Holiday was not an actual day, but the collected memories that someone builds around Holidays. At one point, I felt like an outsider looking in, and while that feeling is still there, I realize now, that I have started the process of building a new life. I have been adopted into a wonderful and loving family.

So, why would I not go back? I only need to take a look at the people around me, my new adopted family to see why. It's not even a question. Any religion that would tell me that this family is something of evil or demonic has at that point shown itself so. Unlike what the religion said about those around me, they aren't selfish, immoral, backstabbing people. Yes, they aren't perfect. But frankly, the people in that old Church caused me far more harm over the years. When I saw one member of the Church, and listened to her cold comments, and realized what an icy Bitch she was, versus the person she portrayed herself as earlier... And when I hear talk of how I'm obviously troubled or evil by members of the Church.... All of these things, I see in stark contrast to the people here.

And the amazing thing, if I went back to the Church, these people here would still talk to me - but they would cry that I couldn't talk to them.

That is why I don't go back, and can not even begin to picture it happening.

The peril of smart pointers in C++

2007-08-17T18:01:00.000-05:00

It's a general pattern I've seen in several large C++ code bases. Either through the standard std::auto_ptr, or from some custom contrivance, a block of code throws around smart pointers and memory allocations without really thinking about it. auto_ptr makes it easy to return a pointer, and then throw it away without worry because the memory will be easily deallocated. So, I find myself reading a lot of code like this:

class Rectangle;
...
std::auto_ptr factoryMethod();
...
handleRectangle(factoryMethod());

There are several annoyances to a good C++ programmer here, but there's also something very hidden and illusive that most people would never think about - allocating and deallocating memory isn't that cheap. Now, it's not a very expensive operation either, but handling a memory allocation off the heap can easily take up to 500% the amount of time as allocating off the stack - and that can easily increase if your code is doing a lot of it.

Using named returns provides an excellent alternative. In a few example blocks of code I tested with some speed critical operations, I tested a 6 fold increase in speed when using named returns versus passing around pointers. The use of a named return allows you to return and use temporary objects, without worrying about copy constructor calls.

So, in summary, the next time you are about to throw in a 'new' keep in mind that allocating memory using new (especially in a tight loop), is a LOT slower than just creating a new variable off the stack.

No more studying for you!

2007-08-02T18:13:00.001-05:00

So, this little gem has recently surfaced regarding the current policies in regards to the Jehovah's Witnesses. Probably a bit too late, as doing exactly this is what really "pulled" me out. Contrary to the beliefs of several others, it wasn't the internet. I read something in my personal research, and it slowly ate at the JW reasoning and logic until a 'straw' fell and broke the camel's back. The book I was reading?

Archeology and the Bible

In one of my fits of spiritual activity, I decided it would be cool to pick random topics from one of the Watchtower publications, and look up the references in the University bookstore. I looked up the references, started reading, and discovered that the publication had glossed over several points made quiet clear in the book. In fact, they had taken some points whole sale, and disregarded others. To make matters worse, the point they picked up and presented, completely conflicted with the logic provided for the other point. Hence I discovered, the great controversy of 607 BCE.

I would never have discovered the small fact that 607 was never presented in ANY secular environment, if I had not looked up the reference they provided. Surely, I thought, the reference was in error. It was, after all, a very old work, and maybe that theory had been changed. I went to the university bookstore, looked up several more books, and discovered that ALL of them stated a couple things, such as the secondary date 537BCE being somewhat uncertain (only stated in some earlier works I looked at).

It's worth noting that I didn't leave the JWs at that point, or when I discovered while out preaching about the membership of the WTB&TS with the UN, or when I saw the Dateline special on child abuse... No, even after all of that, I still believed. The reason I stopped believing? I had a cold slap in the face from life, and had to rethink things. Had I not been exposed to these things, I might have gone differently.

In the end though, that cold slap came directly from the Congregation/Church I was visiting. I might have left anyway, but the knowledge of those things made the decision easier.

Building a kernel par 1

2007-07-22T10:51:00.000-05:00

I've decided to detail my adventures in building my own kernel here. First I should detail why, and the answer is two fold: 1 - I'm sick of the "source only no binary" approach in Linux, and 2 - it's a fun way of learning how this stuff works. Looking at Linux, it strikes me it's success is not so much in the amount of innovation, but the amount of functionality. The Linux kernel can do just about anything you need it to, scale how you need it to, even slice fries and juice fruit. Now, there is a lot of innovation going on now, but it's more coming out of commercial code dumps and work from the likes of Sun, SGI, and IBM.

My own kernel finally passed the huge milestone of having the full boot process and transition completed. That means at this point, the kernel loads itself, relocates to a good place in virtual address space, sets up the segment descriptor tables, and enables paging. Further, there is a full boot loader I'm using now that is tried and tested and works. Getting this to work involved a bit of pain and work with AS, and GCC. Now that I have that I'm working on the memory management subsystem, and ELF relocating/loading. The basic design is something that I might call a true "hybrid-kernel". The same service/driver can be implemented in user space or kernel space depending on need. To keep things simple, there will be a select few types of kernel space driver types. The intention is that if you REALLY need it, you can write a kernel mode portions of a user space service driver. The vast majority of user space services will use an L4 type approach. Only things that deal directly with hardware will be allowed in pure kernel space.

Unlike Unix/Plan 9, I'm taking the approach that instead of everything is a file, everything is a service, including files. Services are opened via the kernel. A user space program asks the kernel for a service using a URI, and the kernel then brokers the request to the proper device driver/service manager/etc... Every request has associated with it a context that is given to both the broker and the service. Once the service is opened, the user can contact the kernel to look up capabilities (or RPCs), and then send requests to the service (like ioctls). At this point, even files are services, and modifying the context can change how they are opened and accessed.

So, kernel drivers are implemented as services, and the kernel predefines operations that certain services are required to have.

I hate AT&T

2007-07-11T18:34:00.001-05:00

I *HAD* fully intended on putting in a deposit and application fee for a really nice apartment on Saturday. I liked the floor plan, I liked the people, I liked the pool.... That decision is being thrown into a large amount of doubt by the utility company - AT&T. I have a Cingular/AT&T phone, it's been good so far. Of course, it was good before AT&T bought them.

Here's what I have now from Time Warner Cable -
- High Definition Digital Cable with Showtime
- High definition DVR w/ dual tuner, high def digital output
- High bandwidth internet access (measured at 6.4mbps)
- Digital phone service w/ Unlimited long distance and call waiting
- 1 Bill
TOTAL - about $130 before taxes

Here's what AT&T is offering if I move -
- Digital Satellite, no premium channels
- Non-HD DVR (no HD available), single tuner, requires phoneline, AV output only
- High bandwidth internet access (3.0 mbps rated)
- Phone service w/ 120 minutes long distance included
- Separate bills for each service
TOTAL - $54.95 + $5.99 + $59.99 = $120.93

So, the prices are roughly the same, and I get to loose high definition TV, 1/2 my internet access speeds for remoting to work, and the ability to watch lost and record one of my other shows at the same time. Where do I sign up?

AT&T - YOU SUCK - and you lost a very apartment complex a lease.

Anyway, the apartment is nice enough to make me ponder whether or not I want to nuke them on this issue, but I'm *really* leaning toward it. It's sad to, I *really* liked what the seemed to offer.

Hash Tables....

2007-07-05T23:46:00.000-05:00

It's a fairly constant amusement to me the lack of forethought put into certain details when other details are obsessed over. A great example can be found in the realm of the hash table. Now, I don't want to rant about basic programming practice, but it's my blog so I can do what I want.

Here is the scenario: our intrepid programmer friend has spent much time developing a 32bit hash table key. Now, the hash key is in reality 4 characters, the last of which is least important and often duplicated. Satisfied that the hash key works well, our friend creates the hash class, and decides that 256 entries is a nice round number.

Thus happens the line of code: arrayindex = hashkey % 256;

In this case, the modulo has left nothing more than the last byte of the key as significant. The last byte of our hash key is the *least* important and most duplicated, so our friend has managed nothing more than to remove a few entries from a linear searched list.

That, however, pales in comparison to this blunder done by using a word-aligned pointer as a hash key. arrayindex = hashkey % 100;

Now, this code looks harmless enough, until you consider the small fact that 100 equals 25 * 4. The 4 factor cancels out nicely because the integer value of the pointer must be a multiple of 4, and at this point, the programmer has essentially created a 25 bucket hash table using 100 buckets worth of space.

The funny thing is - I found BOTH of these in real code. The point? If you are going to spend hours working on one portion of a data structure, keep in mind how the rest works to know if you are wasting that time or not...

Object Serialization....

2007-07-01T12:37:00.000-05:00

AKA - how to do something very useful and possibly shoot yourself very badly in the foot at the same time. Now imagine this scenario:

class Foo
{
...
int i;
float fp;
};

That is serialized as such:
fwrite( &foo, sizeof(Foo), 1, fp);

Then later on in life, reclaimed via:
fread( &foo, sizeof(Foo), 1, fp);

Yes, this is very fast. Yes, it allows for interesting things like mapping variables to memory and so forth. But it really makes life difficult if a couple weeks down the road, after you have serialized objects floating around, you have the need to do something like changing "float fp" to "double fp". Let's not even consider the effects of having a virtual function inside our class...

If there is a need to read a large binary glob from a file, then the glob itself should be saved and read by the class - which would make my life MUCH easier here. Just imagine if I could do something nice and sane like:

Foo bar(stream_source);

Or

bar->ReadSerialize(stream_source);

Anyway, if you're going to work with a large amount of objects serialized to files, then please please please please PLEASE, consider that someone might need to CHANGE those objects later.

Grrrrr......

And there was much rejoicing!

2007-07-01T11:57:00.000-05:00

I'll save the photos for when they are "preapproved", but I thought I'd take a few seconds to mention the wedding I went to yesterday. In my time, I have been to several weddings, but the one I went to yesterday will hold a very dear place in my heart. This was the first "worldly" wedding I went to. It was also the first wedding I've been to where I could just be myself.

After canceled flights and a 500 mile drive, Steve stood in front of Stacy and stated in clear, slightly tearful words, his devotion to a woman that "made his dreams come true". People from around the world stood in witness of the event, traveling anywhere from hundreds to thousands of miles. And as I stood watching the candlelit ceremony, the power and strength of the love reflected in that room overcame me.

This was nothing of the sterile void of the Witness weddings I saw before, where a pre-outlined talk is given talking about the basics of marriage. There was no need to glorify a man-made organization or it's "arrangement". No thoughts given about who could not attend because they were "not in good standing". No whispering behind the back of the bride because she had children. The children here were not an embarrassment, but an active and valuable part of the ceremony. Instead of removing the significance of the individual, we celebrated two people and their love for each-other.

And we rejoiced in song, dance, story, drink, hugs, and togetherness. I did not sit and reflect upon the meaning of marriage, but instead I found joy in a marriage that had already happened. The wedding was not an opportunity to preach about God, but instead a milestone to remember the point at which Steve and Stacy were united.

Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I witnessed a marriage.

Some Pictures:

Funny....

2007-06-27T19:17:00.000-05:00

Mingle² - Online Dating

Some random facts about me...

2007-06-26T23:52:00.001-05:00

Apparently, I've fallen victim to a 'tagging'. And now, I'm going to have to actually think about who to tag in return or I'm sure some disaster shall happen. I think this is where I tell about the bad luck runs and have all kinds of nasty mishaps happen....

Oh, anyway, Janet tagged me to post 8 random facts about myself! 8 random facts is easy, but 8 random interesting facts? Well.... Here goes...

1. I'm fairly certain that I'm the only guy in the history of time that liked (and owns) Phantom of the Opera, Ever After, and a couple other romantic comedies and "chic flicks".

2. I'm completely neurotic about emails and writing. I hate having to send any form of document (legal or otherwise) that I can't keep a copy of. Some reason, I always fear fecking it up. Even now, I'm pondering whether or not I properly did my taxes from 7 years ago, praying that they cross that mystical barrier before the friends from the IRS call. It's only really annoying when I have no access to whatever I sent off, so I can't check and make sure I didn't make some horrific mistake...

3. Entering kindergarden I still had difficulty with a great many things that were at my age level - I was actually placed in a "speech development" to learn how to talk properly, among other things. In 1st and 2nd grade things began to change radically. In 3rd grade, I became something of a child prodigy, writing my own "adventure" game for the PC. By 7th grade I knew assembly well enough to write my own assembler, a program to password protect the hard drive on my computer, and my very own bootsector on a floppy. For a final trick that year, I cracked fractal geometry and created my very own Mandelbrot renderer, which I used to save a BMP file I gave to the computer lab teacher. Needless to say, I had no life.

4. I was 6 feet tall by the time I was in 6th grade. This landed me in the very funny position of individually meeting several of the Harlem Globetrotters, as I happened across one on the way out of their show. The general reaction: hey guys, check out this kid, HE'S ONLY 12.

5. I have a background in child development and psychology and am qualified to teach High School in the state of Texas as soon as I fill out the paperwork. I swear, any day now, I'll get to it, I swear...

6. I lived out of my car and a friend's garage for a period of 3 months (mid May - mid Aug) when I originally came to Kansas City.

7. My brain is completely and totally split in terms of routine and organization and free floating ideas. I hate planned schedules, organized living spaces, and getting into a routine. At the same time, I'm extremely unlikely to change jobs - even the "temporary" assignments I've had in the past turned out longer than anyone originally intended or thought.

8. I'm a closet writer and have written chapters of novels, horror and science fiction and comedy short stories, plays, screenplays, poetry, character sketches, nonfiction collections, music and music lyrics. Despite having collected a lot over the years, I have only shown people a select few of the things I've written. Writing to me is about as personal as sex - I put so much of myself into it that, I have a hard time hearing the often well meaning criticisms of friends. Probably has a lot to do with how I grew up, and the value placed on individuality by the people I was around. At one point in time, a series of technical tutorials I wrote on graphics programming had reached #1 in google page rank, and I received a fairly regular amount of email with detailed questions on graphics programming. I've done some editorials, but nothing I'd admit to now...

I'm going to tag .... Suzi!